Page 40 of Wicked Love
She was one more reminder of all the ways I’d fallen short.
I couldn’t take my frustration out on her, though. I plastered a smile onto my face and fell into step with her when she caught up with me. Her open smile in return sent a jab of guilt through my stomach.
“What have you been up to?” she asked, tucking her hand around my elbow as easy as anything.
God, I wanted her. Why did this have to be so hard?
I summoned my usual breezy tone. “Oh, you know, classes, working out, the usual.”
“Off to anyplace interesting now?”
“I figured I’d grab dinner at the pub by the fine arts building. You know those creative types, they’ve got good taste in food too.”
She laughed and squeezed my arm. “Would you like some company? I barely even had lunch—I could definitely go for a good burger.”
Hell, I wanted her around me every moment of every day. But I had to be realistic. And there was no point in indulging my whims right now—I was in too shitty a mood for her to miss it if she spent much more time with me. If she hadn’talreadypicked up on it.
I groped for an excuse. “I actually have some reading for one of my classes that I need to get done while I’m eating. But I’ll see you back at the apartment later.”
Maddie slowed, pulling me to a stop with her. My heart plummeted even farther as I took in her expression, her eyes clouded, her forehead furrowing. She studied me through several uncomfortable thumps of my heart.
“Are you avoiding me?” she said finally, her voice rough. “It’s been feeling kind of like you’ve been pulling back from the other guys and from me lately. Is something wrong?”
I forced a chuckle and made a dismissive wave of my hand. “Of course not. I do have to get serious about my schoolwork every now and then to make sure they don’t kick me out of this place. I love having you with me, but I won’t be able to concentrate with those lips so close, Piccolina.”
I reached out and brushed my finger over her mouth, provoking a twitch of a smile.
“I can see how hard you’retryingto be convincing, Slade,” she said.
Fuck. “Convincing? I’m just speaking the truth.”
She grasped my hand and tugged me away from the path, over to the shelter of a tree where we were away from the students passing by. Her gaze stayed fixed on my face. “Tell me what’s going on.”
I couldn’t. I couldn’t explain it all to her. Not until I could come to terms with my feelings myself. “It’s really nothing,” I told her. “Nothing worth talking about.”
“You know, you never have to talk to me if you don’t want to. I’m not going to force you to stick around, but I don’t want you to pretend either. You should never feel like you need to fake anything with me.”
Her words cracked something within me. Faking. That was all I’d been doing since starting the Vigil with the guys. Since the moment we began calling ourselves the Vigilante Kings, I’d been pretending. I was a total imposter in the job that I’d been doing for all these years.
“What’s the point in sticking around?” I asked, shaking my head. “I want to be there for you and the guys, sure. But I used to feel like I actually contributed, and now that Beckett’s in the mix, it’s obvious that I’m just thereon the sidelines. I was always the least useful one even when it was just the three of us. So, I’m dead weight. And that’s fine. But why should you bother sticking around withmewhen you’ve got three other great guys?”
Maddie stared at me, confusion etched across her face. “Do you really feel that way?”
My head drooped. “I wasn’t planning on telling you. I don’t want to getyoudown about it. It is what it is.”
“Hey.” She grasped my hand tighter until I looked up and met her eyes. “Let’s start with the most important thing. You’re not dead weight. Not to me, not to the Vigil. Not to anybody. I don’t think any of us could function properly without you, Slade.”
When I made a scoffing sound, she frowned. “Is it the sharing that’s bothering you? Is it too much—and you’re trying to let me down easy or something?”
I sputtered for a second before I found my words. “Maddie, the last thing I’d want is to let go of you. All Ithinkabout is you, and that’s the problem. It’s going to be so hard if you leave, so it’s easier if I put the distance there first.”
The furrow in her forehead deepened. “Why would you think that it’s better to assume things won’t work out? What if Idon’tleave? Are you so sure that I will?”
I made a vague gesture with my hand, the ache expanding through my chest so intensely it was suffocating. “It just… doesn’t make sense for you to stay.”
Maddie let out a huff. “You just talked about how much you want me. Why can’t you believe that I’d want you just as much—just as much as the other guys? You make me laugh; you taught me how to dance. You compliment me in a million different languages. You’re there for the people you care about no matter what. Whywouldn’tI want to be with you?”
A prickling sensation rose up through my gut. I knew the answer to that question instinctively, but I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t talk about that shit with anyone. It shouldn’t affect anyone but me.
