Page 13 of Because of Liam

Chapter Eight

It’sSaturday and Logan has the weekend off, we all decided to go hang out at a local bar and have a few drinks while watching whatever game is playing on the dozen TVs spread around the room. I like this place. It has an English pub meets a barn feel to it with all the natural wood floors and exposed beams crisscrossing the high ceiling. They have good and inexpensive food and dozens of different beers on draft. The pub caters to locals and students from nearby colleges, including Riggins and the University of Vermont. There’s a good mix of twenty somethings and people in their thirties and forties. This is the kind of place that’s just loud enough that you have privacy when talking in a group but not so loud you’d have to yell to be heard.

We’re all sitting around a table we snagged against a wall in the back—it’s not as loud as nearer the bar. And by we, I mean, Skye, her friend Bruno, Logan, Liam, and his date, Barbie. No, that’s not her real name, but she has just as much plastic in her as her namesake, so it’s fitting. I mean, the girl is platinum blond, her lips have most definitely been enhanced with some kind of filler, she’s wearing a ton of makeup. Her boobs could be used as a book shelf and she looks like she hasn’t eaten since she was twelve.

And no, I’m not jealous. My boobs are real, thank you very much. Her looks are the least of the things that annoy me about this girl. She’s the anti-me. The embodiment of everything I hate in other women. You know the type. Overly done, cunning, and playing dumb and helpless. Normally, I’m not one to rag on other people for their choices. I hate stereotypes and the people who promulgate them. But as soon as she figured I wasn’t Bruno’s date, her claws came out. And you can bet your ass those are fake too.

When I saw Liam walk into the bar with Barbie on his arm, I started laughing. In my mind I saw this picture of GI Joe and Barbie together and I was half expecting a pissed off Ken to walk in after them. I didn’t direct the laugh at them, but somehow Liam picked up on it and knew right away I was laughing at his date choice. We had words while Barbie went to the bathroom to powder her nose. No, I’m not making this up. Those were her exact words. Now Liam is pissed at me because I called him Ken to his face. I don’t think he’d mind it too much if I said GI Joe but calling him Ken got his hackles up.

Logan looks at me and then at his brother.

“River?” he calls me to get my attention. I’m a few seats away from him and lucky me, right across from Liam and Barbie. “What did you do now to make Liam so mad?” And then he takes a long pull of his beer.

“Me? I did nothing. He’s probably just pissed because he has a tiny dick.” I smirk, knowing Liam will pick up on my Ken reference. Everyone knows the Ken doll has no dick.

Logan chokes on his beer and nearly sprays the whole table, turning at the last moment and just getting the floor.

Liam glares at me, Bruno laughs, and Skye just covers her face with her hands. Again.

Liam’s date, what’s her real name again, Tiff? Tate? Or something like that, who from here on out shall be referred to as the Prissy One, gapes at me in her perfect little pink cashmere sweater set and knee-length black skirt, with her perfect pink nails and perfect peroxided blonde hair. I hated her on sight and it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact Liam invited her to our get-together at the bar tonight.

Absolutely nothing.

She comes to his defense. “That’s so rude.” She speaks in her perfect upper crust accent. “How could you possible know this? I’m sure Liam’s penis is a perfectly normal size.” She blushes. I’m sure that’s a fake blush too.

“Have you seen it?” I ask.

The Prissy One blushes even more. “No.”

“Have you touched it?”

“Of course not!” she says defensively.

“Then how do you know what size his dick is?”

“Well, have you?” The Prissy One counter-attacks.

“Me? Hell no! Never seen it, never touched it.”

“Then how would you know?” She smiles her prissy smile, throwing my question back at me.

I lean toward her. “Exactly! I never saw it. You never saw it. How do we even know it exists at all?”

Liam speaks for the first time. “It”—he emphasizes the word—“does exist. You’ll just have to take my word for it.”

“Okay, then.” I look back at Liam and there’s a dark promise in his eyes. He’ll make me pay for this. Oh well, in the hole for one, in the hole for a thousand. I continue. “Liam speaks, and he declares he has a dick, albeit a very teeny tiny one.” I hold my pinky finger up.

The Prissy One doesn’t know when to shut up.

“Even so, I’m sure Liam’s penis is perfectly fine,” she replies and then looks around the table, trying to gather support. “Penis size does not matter anyway, right?”

I scoff at that as I take a sip of my beer.

“What? You disagree? Everyone says size does not matter.”

“And who is everyone?” I ask.

“Everyone!”

---