Page 44 of Because of Liam

Chapter Twenty-Eight

She asks no questions.She doesn’t say a word and yet there’s so much being shared right now. So much happening between us. The last three months of fighting and getting on each other’s nerves is coming to an end and we find ourselves in an odd and yet comforting place. We both share a secret, a part of our lives we’ve never shared with anyone else. We both have pain and scars we go to extreme lengths to hide. I bear some of those scars on my skin, hidden under the color and designs of a tattoo, but they’re still there. The other scars, the ones we carry in our souls, are far deeper and harder to hide from.

She moves from my lap but sits in front of me. Her legs curl under her. I bring my left leg up, bent at the knee, and she leans on it. My hand finds her hair and plays with it.

“Logan thinks I was discharged three months ago, when I first showed up at the house. But the truth is, I was discharged over a year ago. I spent all that time backpacking through Europe, crashing with some friends, in hostels, and more often than not, working on small farms and sleeping in barns.”

Her eyes remain on mine, the tears gone but her long lashes still damp. I brush a lock of hair behind her ear and her eyes flutter closed for a moment before meeting mine again. She stays silent and I continue to speak.

“I should be dead.”

Her eyes widen and she flinches. I squeeze her shoulder, letting her know I’m okay.

“I was in an explosion, within the kill zone. My back was covered in shrapnel and I was in an induced coma because of swelling in my brain, a result of the explosion impact.”

I close my eyes to the haunting images swimming right in front of me as if it’s happening now, but I can’t escape the memories inside of my mind. I can smell the gun powder, taste the dust that coats my throat and the blood on my tongue. The sounds of destruction and death sting my ears. I can still feel the impact of metal shards as they entered my body and the deep burn of each piece as they cut through my flesh.

Thankfully, I don’t feel the pain. I was once told the brain has a defense mechanism that keeps the body from reliving pain. So while one can still remember the tastes, smells and how it felt, the physical pain itself is blocked. I wish the brain could also block the pain of loss, the despair of dying, the impotency of not being able to save a life you swore to protect.

When I open my eyes again, she’s watching me intently. Her breath is even, and it calms me. I take her hand, press my fingertips to her wrist, counting the beats of her heart. I match my breathing to hers, our hearts in sync. It gives me strength to speak out loud the words that never left my lips before.

I give her the short version of my story. “As far back as I can remember, all I wanted to do when I grew up was to be a doctor. I used to read medical books for fun. I was such a nerd, I know.”

She smiles at that.

“Logan was always a jock. He loved sports, he loved the competition, the adrenalin that came with it. Hockey, football, running—it’s how he felt alive, how he could be himself and do what he wanted without our father being up his ass.” I pause, letting the memories wash over me.

Her hand squeezes mine in a show of support.

“I loved playing sports too but for a different reason. I didn’t play to win. I just liked the way being active made me feel. For me it was a study in anatomy. The way the muscles moved and worked together to accomplish a goal. Nerd, remember?”

“If the nerds in my high school looked like you, I so would have been in the math and science clubs.” She makes me laugh despite the heaviness in my heart right now.

“Our parents, my father specifically, had strict ideas of what we should be and do. Our future was mapped out for us. We were to go to law school and join him in his company. Neither one of us was too keen on it, but we knew better than to say anything. We tried to keep our heads down and stay out of his way as much as possible. When Logan went to college and showed some resistance to our father’s plans, his focus turned to me—he was going to make sure I didn’t stray.”

I take a deep breath before going on.

“I applied to several schools where I could take pre-med classes and as the school year rushed into the end, I didn’t get a single letter back. No acceptances or refusals. I was getting worried. My grades were perfect, and I had no idea what was happening. Then I found out my father was intercepting and hiding all the replies I got back from the universities. I confronted him. He showed me an acceptance for pre-law at Harvard, my father’s alma-matter and a school I didn’t apply to. I told him I wouldn’t go into law school and he told me I would. We had a huge fight. It was the first time I ever raised my voice to him. He didn’t take it well. He told me he would never pay for any college other than pre-law at Harvard and until I decided to comply, I wasn’t welcome at home any longer. He kicked me out.”

“Oh my God! What did your mom do?”

“She tried to reason with him and with me, but neither of us would listen to her. In the end, I crashed with a friend for a couple of nights, trying to figure out what I would do. I was seventeen, weeks away from graduation. My birthday’s in June and because I was a minor and my parents made too much money, I wasn’t eligible for any kind of student loans. I went home when I was sure neither of them would be there and packed my things. I had no idea where I was going. Mary, our cook, gave me the keys to her apartment, and I stayed with her. My parents had no idea. Still don’t. Mary had always been more of a mom to me and Logan than our own mother. She even offered to loan me her life savings to pay for the first semester of college. I couldn’t take it, of course. I finished high school six weeks later and enlisted in the navy. On my eighteenth birthday.”

“Did your parents try finding you?”

“No. They didn’t even show up for my graduation. Only Logan and Mary were there. Mary said Mom wanted to go, but my father forbade her. He was sure I would come home with my tail between my legs and do his bidding. When I was researching a way to pay for college, I stumbled onto a website and found I could train to be a medic with the army or a corpsman with the navy and eventually, once I finished my tours, I could enroll in college. So that was my plan.”

“You were so young. Your parents didn’t try to stop you?”

“They had no idea. I didn’t tell them. They never bothered trying to find out where I was. The last time I saw or spoke with either of my parents was the day I left home.”

“But what about Logan? Didn’t you try to talk to him?”

“I didn’t tell Logan either. Not until I was already enlisted, and it was too late for him to do anything about it. He was furious with me for not reaching out to him. He went back to Connecticut to confront our parents. It was the first time he’d gone back since what happened with his ex.”

Her hand covers her mouth and I tug it back down, lacing my fingers with hers.

“But why? Why didn’t you tell Logan what happened? Didn’t you have anyone else you could reach out to?”

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