Page 48 of Because of Liam

Chapter Thirty

I forgetmy own pain when I look at Liam. The words that came out of his mouth were hard to hear. My heart breaks for him. For all that he endured and for what he’s doing for me right now. He knew. I don’t know how he knew, but he did. And it’s so much worse for him than it is for me. He has memories and nightmares that will haunt him forever while I have the knowledge but no memories. I have been spared that. I’m thankful for it. We all deal with our demons differently. For me it was always the not knowing. The idea that he—the man who attacked me—could be anyone and anywhere. That he could have been a classmate, a friend, or a complete stranger. And not knowing took away control over my emotions and my body. He had that. He had that knowledge, and I didn’t.

But now, now that I know who he is, I can take control back. Knowing gives me that. Having a face and a name to go with my attacker heals something in me. I can’t change what happened. But I can change how I live from now on. I’m taking charge of my body, my thoughts, and my actions again. I’m no longer driven by a faceless monster. Now I’m driven by the need to make him pay and the need to create new beautiful memories where the blank spaces exist. He took a piece of me. A tiny piece. But he didn’t take my worth, or my courage, or my zest for life. He can’t have that. I won’t allow it.

My monster didn’t have a face until today, and now that he has one, now that I know who to be on the lookout for, the need to watch over my shoulder all the time lessens. Going to parties I didn’t want to go to try to trigger a memory, socializing with people I didn’t want to be around in hopes someone would say something—all that can stop now. I can stop faking it for Skye’s benefit. I can trust again. I have a target and I have a goal. Jon will pay. One way or another. He’ll pay.

Looking into Liam’s eyes, I find that right now they’re more blue than gray, as if the storm I so often saw in them is finally gone.

I kiss him. I lean into him and let my lips graze his. I feel his harsh inhale when he takes the breath out of my mouth and into his, and when he exhales, it’s my name on his breath over my lips. He doesn’t take over as I expect him to—he lets me explore and take control. He gives me power over him.

With a simple kiss Liam makes me whole again.

I change my position, crawling forward until I’m straddling him. I run my fingers through his hair, grasping it at the base of his neck and pull him down to me. His hands resting on my hips flex and his fingers grasp me. “River,” he whispers, his eyes searching mine. “What are you doing?”

“Shh,” I shush him and lean up, bridging the last few inches between our lips kissing him for real now. More than a graze, I taste him. I let my lips meet his and I nibble his bottom lip. When I hear the groan that escapes him, I smile against his mouth. I did that. Then I pull his face closer and open his lips with mine and let my tongue dip into his mouth. I relish him. I savor Liam and he tastes better than I ever imagined. He kisses me back gently, his hands fisting on my hips as if he’s trying to exert control. But I don’t want control right now. I don’t want him to hold back. I want all the promises he made me. I want all the things he said he would do to me if I just asked. And I’m asking right now. Without words, I’m asking, but Liam’s still holding back. I deepen the kiss and whimper when he meets my demands and kicks it up a step higher. His hands tremble with exertion on my hips. I tug at his hair and break the kiss, murmuring his name against his lips. He moans against mine, and his hands finally move.

He grabs me harder and shifts my body over his and—oh God, I could die right now. He’s so hard under me and I can feel him pressing into me. One of his arms wraps around my waist and the other tangles into my hair, tilting my head, and he finally, finally takes over our kiss. My hips move of their own accord and I’m rocking and pressing into him, into his hardness—I love how good it feels. I curse the clothes on our bodies that keep us apart. He kisses me like he’s been waiting his whole life to do it, his tongue on mine. He sucks and nibbles and challenges me to meet his demands.

“Jesus! River—” He pulls his mouth from mine just to return it to my neck. He grazes the skin there and the rough day-old whiskers on his chin make me shiver.

The hand tangled into my hair tugs my head back, not gently but not hard either. His lips trace patterns of his own making on my skin. His tongue darts out and he licks and nibbles at me. He traces the contours of my jaw and nibbles on my ear and then he bites me. He follows the bite with open-mouthed kisses.

Holy shit, that’s hot!I’m burning. My skin is on fire and he hasn’t even touched any of the good parts yet. And then I remember I have hands too and this whole time I’m just holding on to him. I let my hands travel up his arms and I love the feel of the muscles flexing and contracting under my palms. And when he licks the hollow of my throat, I dig my fingers into his shoulders, then move my hands over his chest and lower over his stomach. His abs contract under my fingertips when he sucks in a breath. I let my hands stay there, tracing the ridges and lines as his mouth returns to mine. I want to move my hand lower, but my position on top of him doesn’t allow me to and I don’t want to stop. No, I can’t stop pressing myself into him because it feels so, so good, but I need more and I need more right now.

“Liam,” I speak into his mouth, pulling away from him just enough to look into his eyes. They’re dark with lust and something else I can’t identify. Gray and blue mingle in his irises. A clear day breaking through storm clouds.

“Liam,” I say his name again and he looks at me and shakes his head once.

“Not like this, River. Not when we’re dealing with so much pain, not right after all we talked about.”

“I want new memories, Liam. And I want them with you.”

“I want you and I want a thousand memories with you. I will have you and I will give you those memories. I will make you mine, I promise you, but not right now, not today,” he says.

Whimpering, I press into him, rocking into his hardness trying to lessen the ache between my legs. I haven’t dated anyone or even touched myself in over a year. My body rebels and demands satisfaction.

“I need, I need . . .” I let the unsaid words dangle between us.

He smiles at me with that wicked smile of his. “Okay, there’s something I can do.”

Before I know it, he’s flipped us over on the bed and I’m lying on my back and he’s firmly pressed between my legs, rocking into me. He searches my face and finds whatever he’s looking for because he leans over and kisses me. I’m so hot with need and frustration I want to cry, but Liam can read me and he reaches around my right thigh, grabs my butt, and pulls me up, changing the angle in which he’s grinding into me and just seconds later my whole body seizes and tightens up, I want to scream, but there are no sounds coming from me as my back arches off the bed and I’m coming for seconds and minutes and days. All the anger, frustration, all the pain and shame, all the fear I carried with me for the last year, gone, released. My body completely relaxes for the first time in over a year. Liam gave me that. He freed me. The irony of it hits me. Making out with Liam, this almost sex, took away the ugliness of my rape. As I come down from my high, I realize I’ve just had the best orgasm of my life and I didn’t even take my pants off. A girl could get used to this. When I finally open my eyes and look at Liam, he’s smiling at me.

“Better?” he asks and I want to give him a witty and sarcastic answer and punch him at the same time. Old habits die hard. But I can’t move, not even to speak. I have no legs or arms. My body is melted into the bed. I’m a puddle. Liam laughs at me and I can still feel his hardness.

“You,” I mumble.

“Don’t worry about me. I’m going home to shower and think of you.”

Then he scoops me up as if I weigh nothing, pulls the covers, and settles me on the bed. He tucks me in.

“I’ll be right back.”

Liam walks to the door but stops and stays just behind it.

“What are you doing?” I ask.

“I can’t go out there like this.” He gestures at his groin, the outline of his erection clear for anyone to see.

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