Page 52 of Because of Liam

Chapter Thirty-Three

Liam showsup minutes after I get home and he has my favorite drink, raspberry lemonade. He must have been watching out for me.

It feels awkward, being with him again after what happened. After all we shared and me begging him to make out with me.

I guess I lost that bet, but he has not brought up any of it.

Going to class today was strange and liberating at the same time. Now that I have a face for my attacker, I feel safer. I’ve spent months and months wondering if every guy I came across was the one. Had been the one and was just biding his time to do it again.

I rarely come across Jon on campus. It’s big enough that one can easily go all four years and never meet another person unless they are in the same majors or buildings. He and I are not. Come to think of it, the only places I saw that asshole after Skye broke up with him was at parties.

I hesitate for a moment before taking the cup from his hand. I take a sip and my eyes drop to the floor. We’re still at the open door. Neither of us has said a word yet. Liam breaks the awkward silence.

“Can I come in?”

I nod, still not saying anything. What can I possibly say to him now? I have no idea what to do when we’re not at each other’s throats. Well, with exception of yesterday. But now, under the bright afternoon light and being somewhat removed from the initial shock, I don’t know who we are to each other anymore. Do we go back to harassing each other and throwing barbs? Are we kind of friends now? Did the kissing and making out mean anything beyond him trying to comfort me because I begged him to? Does he feel sorry for me and that’s the only reason it happened? The thought of Liam pitying me fills me with anger. I don’t want him to pity me. I don’t want him to look at me and see the rape. I want him to see me. Just me. Nothing else.

My feet take me to the living room and I sit on one end of the sofa, legs folded under me. Liam takes a place on the sofa as well, close enough to touch but still giving me space. He seems to know I need some distance between us. He’s studying me, trying to read me. I hate that, and I need that. I need someone to see into me and hear the words I can’t speak. I’m a fucking mess. Why would anyone want to be near me now? I don’t even want to be near myself.

He takes the cup from my hand and puts it on the table but not before picking up a magazine and using it as a coaster. Attention to detail. I guess he figured Skye’s pet peeve about wet cups on the table.

“Hey, how are you?” His voice is soft but not tentative.

How am I? How the fuck am I?Anger simmers to the surface and it must have shown in my eyes. Before I have a chance to say a word, his fingertips touch my lips and silence me. The gesture so tender, so filled with care, it calms me down. Anger dissipates like sugar melting in water.

“No, River. No. I don’t want a BS answer. I know you’re hurting. I know you’re angry. That’s not what I’m asking. I’m not asking about the consequences of what happened. I’m not asking about the side effects of what you found out yesterday. I want to know about you. The you that exists beyond all that. The only you that matters. The real you. The you we shared yesterday. That’s the you I’m asking about.”

I shake my head as if I have no clue what he’s talking about, but I can’t lie to him any more than I can lie to myself. He sees me. I wanted to be seen and got that. I have always been an in your face kind of person. Always acting strong and with an I-don’t-give-a-fuck-attitude. But there’s a part of me that does care. There’s a part of me that just wants to have someone to be in charge for once. I’m tired. So tired of keeping my defenses up.

He waits me out.

“I’m tired, so tired, Liam.”

My confession escapes my lips against my will and on the same breath I pull my defenses back up.

“No. Don’t do that. We’re way past that point. Don’t go back.”

My gaze drops from his. I’ve lost the courage to look into those gray eyes. If I do, he’ll break all the barriers I’ve built around me. And then what? I don’t know. I never allowed anyone to get this close to me. To see this much.

“Let me in, River, and I’ll do the same. I’ve already done it. You know more about me than anyone else does.”

My lips part, but no words came out. Again, I wonder, is it strange that of all the people I could have confided in, Liam is the person I chose to open up to? Not my sister, not my parents, or any of my friends. It’s Liam I feel safest with.

“Why is it,” I ask, “of all people I could have talked about this with, it was you I chose?” I look at him, shaking my head. “I don’t understand it.”

He takes my hand in both of his, turns my palm up with one, and traces his fingers in the middle of it with the other.

“There’s strength in vulnerability. In opening yourself to someone else and letting them in, in letting them see you as you are without walls or masks or any of the social niceties people seem to be so fond of. And all the crap people use to create barriers where there should be none.”

He looks at me, waiting to make sure I get what he’s saying.

“Will you let me in, River? Will you keep the walls down and open for me? Not just today, not just right now, but tomorrow and the day after as well?”

My chest fills with a deep breath. We’re having a moment here. A moment where we’re not trying to lash at each other or provoke a reaction. A moment of openness. I feel vulnerable. I’ve had my heart on lockdown for so long and Liam got past all those walls and doors and locks without my even realizing.

If I let him in, he’ll have the power to break me. To break me even more than Jon did. Can I take the risk? Can I allow myself to fall in love with him? Is this even what he’s asking me?

That little nagging voice in my mind speaks, ‘You’re already half in love with him, you fool.’

Tears run down my face without my permission and he wipes them away with his fingers, a touch so gentle, if I hadn’t watched his hands do it, I might have thought it was my imagination.

“Why am I crying?”

“Sometimes our eyes cry before our hearts and souls know we need to.”

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