Page 45 of Queen Rose

Aria

Around five in the morning, I wake up, secure in Nate’s hold. I carefully extract myself, and once I’ve gotten out of the bed without waking him, I search my bag for a pair of jeans, and slip them on. If I hurry, I’ll still be able to see the stars and watch the sun come up.

I creep through the house and jog barefoot on the cold, damp grass all the way to the dock. Sitting down, I dangle my legs off the edge and stare up at the still-dark sky. For several minutes I’m able to clear my mind and just breathe.

As usual, though, awful thoughts and memories sneak in and rob me of my safe space. It’s kinda dumb, but I used to think if I went out on the balcony in the middle of the night, it could stop things from happening to me. And mostly, it did. So, I’ve spent a lot of time in the last few years outside, just looking at the stars instead of sleeping.

Fucking Conner. He’s destroying me piece by piece, touch by touch.

If things had never progressed with Conner beyond hugs and cuddles, I could have forgiven or forgotten a lot of it. As it was happening, I brushed aside the odd way his fingers sometimes skimmed over the sides of my growing breasts as we danced or he hugged me. When he had trouble looking into my eyes when we talked—because his focus was on my body instead—no real harm had been done. It felt kind of good, the way his appreciative gaze had roamed over me, but I hadn’t understood his intentions. And the comments he made about how beautifully his good girl was growing up… I didn’t get that he’d been grooming me all those years to love him and want to be with him. I was young. Innocent. And so stupid.

I should have done something when things between us began to change. I wish I had. I’ve always had trouble sleeping, and when I was younger, if Conner had been at the house, working on something with Dad, he’d often come check on me before he left. He’d lie down with me on my bed and hold me until I fell back to sleep. But over time, the way he held me felt different. He’d press his body right up against mine, holding my back to his front. I realized that the hard thing poking me in the butt was his penis. And I’d figured maybe it was kinda like morning wood, like I’d heard about in the girls locker room. Like he couldn’t help it. So I let that go, too.

The first time Conner touched me in a way that was unmistakably intimate—and so very wrong—I’d been asleep. I’d woken up mid-orgasm with his fingers inside my panties, between my legs. He was touching me in places I had barely even touched myself. And when I cried out, his hand fisted the ponytail at the back of my head and he shoved my face into the pillow.

I honestly hadn’t known what was happening at first. I was twelve. It was well after midnight on New Year’s Eve and my parents had sent him upstairs to make sure I was in bed. I still don’t know why they hadn’t checked on me themselves.

Except, I do. They couldn’t have cared less. They were going through the motions of what they were supposed to do as parents… and in the process, sent a monster up to my bedroom.

For once, I’d actually been asleep. The way he touched me that night was nothing I’d wanted. But I didn’t stop him. Couldn’t. Had no clue how. And I think the biggest tug-of-war in my head occurred because what he’d done up until New Year’s Eve hadn’t physically felt bad to me. Conner is strong and comforting. And he’d always given me the most attention and the best hugs of anyone I knew.

But that New Year’s Eve, he apparently couldn’t resist me. Not anymore. That’s what he’d said. My ass in my pink-and-white polka-dotted panties had been all too tempting. I was too young for what he was doing to me, but old enough to understand that it was wrong. But I’d said nothing. I’d been heartbroken and scared.

That was the first night I’d run to the safety of Xander’s room.

Nate is the only other person I’ve ever let touch me. I couldn’t say why I finally let someone in. Except maybe at first, I’d thought of it as a way out. Maybe if Nate could touch me in those ways, if I could control it, I could erase what Conner had done.

But it didn’t take long for me to realize Nate was so much more than a convenient way to lose my virginity so Conner couldn’t take it. He lit a fire in me that burned hot, our chemistry explosive. And when he touched me, I knew no fear. I think that’s what really did it. Nate and I have had our moments, but once I pushed past the bravado and knocked the chip off of his shoulder, I found a guy who is kind and caring. Someone who really, truly listens to me. So much so that I’m nervous he’s far enough inside my head to eventually figure it all out.

I don’t want to let him go. But I don’t know how we can continue on as we are given all of the dirty, dark secrets I’ve kept all these years. I’d have to tell him. I’d have to come clean. I’ll need to think long and hard about it. My stomach turns, just considering laying myself bare like that. All my filthy darkness. All my terrible truths.

What Conner does to me is so ugly, I don’t know how I could ever tell anyone.

The sun is coming up when footsteps sound on the boards behind me. I twist around to see Nate striding slowly in my direction, his eyes on the sunrise. He sits down beside me. His voice comes out rough with sleep. “You left the bed.”

“Yeah.” I swing my legs, staring down into the water. “I told you the night you took me out on our date that the stars make everything worth it.” I hesitate. “I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I came out here.”

The sigh that leaves him is… tired. “I was up most of the night. On and off, anyway. Thinking. I must have crashed pretty hard at some point before you woke up.” His gaze is steady on me from the corner of his eye.

No. Please don’t ask. I’m not ready.

“Who did this to you, Aria? Who made you put up all these walls? Who made you crave control? Who the fuck hurt you?”

My jaw clenches tight to stop the trembling. “Please, Nate.” My head jerks sharply away from him. “I told you, I can’t…” I draw in a rattling breath, on the verge of completely losing it. Again. “Please don’t make me.”

He shifts to the side, lifting and turning me until I’m straddling his lap. He hugs me tightly to his chest, his lips in my hair. “I won’t. Not if you’re not ready. But I’m here when you are.” We sit for a long time, unmoving. His arms surround me in warmth, making me not want to move. Ever. And he smells really good, too—like Nate and my shower gel. Two things I like a whole lot. After a while, he curls his fingers around the back of my neck, sweeping his thumb back and forth over my cheek. Tipping my face up to his, he rasps, “I will be here for you. No matter what it is.”

His pale-blue eyes search mine. I blink, staring back. I so badly want to trust him. Completely. Fully. I just don’t know how. Everything that I’ve been through has taught me not to trust. Because when you love someone, they can hurt you. They can take everything that feels good and make it ugly and dirty. But I’ve never had someone treat me like Nate does. He was amazing last night—a rock when I needed one to cling to. But how can I be sure that if I let him see the real me, we’ll survive it?

I study each and every one of his facial features, my breath feathering softly over my lips as I cling to his strong shoulders. He leans in, sealing his lips to mine, kissing me softly. It feels like a promise from him to me that he’s here for whatever I need. My chest squeezes harder with every brush of his lips. I can tell he’s trying to go slow. For me. I part my lips and slide my tongue over his lower lip. Pressing closer to his body, I try to show him I need his passion. I need to know he wants me, even after everything I told him last night. And everything I couldn’t bear to.

I swallow his groan as his tongue meets mine, and they tangle together effortlessly, like we’ve been together all our lives. I wish we had been. I wish it were Nate—only Nate—who has touched me.

But even though that will never be my reality, there’s a lot that does belong to Nate. He’s the only one who kisses me. The only one who makes me shiver and cry out with pleasure. The only one who makes me shudder in anticipation of all the beautiful ways he can touch me. The only one who’s felt what it’s like to move inside me.

And if I have my way, he’s the only one who ever will.

A coughing sound from behind Nate catches our attention. Daphne stands there, her face flushing pink. “Um, so sorry to interrupt. Beau’s making his famous omelets and wanted to know if you guys were hungry.”

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