Page 69 of Riley

Chapter Twenty-Three

Riley

With summer here and no school, I had my days to screw around. I probably would have been better off being in school because it would have kept my mind occupied. Now it twirled through thoughts of my future, the baby, and Ethan, and I did everything I could to keep myself busy.

I spent more time with my parents’ horses and had breakfast with my parents most mornings. I ran errands and visited with friends for lunches. I spent some late mornings, or early afternoons, tending to Rebecca’s garden and helping Richard around the house.

By evening I was usually tired, and I’d have a light dinner, then curl up on the couch and read or watch television until it was time to visit with Ethan. After speaking with him was when my mind would start to spiral into the darkness.

Every night we talked, and I enjoyed those conversations. I felt like I had my friend back after a few weeks of us being separated. The problem was, the closer it got to him coming home, the more nervous I became and the more my mind spiraled.

Ethan talked about the future, and I loved the fact that he wanted to be a part of the baby’s life. He really was going to make an incredible father, and I was lucky to have him in that role. I just didn’t know how the two of us fit together—or more like—the three of us.

Tonight, he brought up the issue of living together. It wasn’t the first time he’d brought it up, but tonight it hit a nerve. I’d already considered this and found the idea had issues. I didn’t want to get rid of my house, and I knew he loved his. Yeah, his was bigger with four bedrooms, but mine was perfect for the baby and me.

I tried to fit Ethan into the picture with him living here in my house, and I could, but by doing that, it seemed odd. I couldn’t see any of his furniture in my place, and where would his clothes go? I didn’t want to give up any drawer space, and I’d have to share my vanity with him. Which wasn’t so bad because it was large, and I did have two sinks, but still. I’d been living on my own since I was twenty. It was hard to think of living with someone after that long.

I knew that I was thinking a lot about myself, but I wasn’t sure I could think any other way. I just wasn’t wired to think like that.

I lay in bed, dwelling over it as my body ached. It wasn’t just the changes in my body that caused the ache. It was the sexual need that was in me. I’d always been a sexual person. I always enjoyed sex, and to have sex once in like two months was ridiculous. How I wished I had someone that I could call and ask to come over—someone who was like Ethan—but not Ethan.

The frustrating thing was, I didn’t. Ethan had been the only one I trusted in that casual way. I let down my hair with him, and right now, I really needed to let my hair down. I groaned as I rolled over and scissored my legs as the ache grew.

I was so tempted to call Ethan back and get off with him listening, but I’d never done that before. After our last talk, I didn’t think it was a good idea. Instead, I reached into my side drawer and pulled out my favorite reliable toy. Who needed a man anyway, when you had a rechargeable pleasure toy?

* * *

The summer had whizzed by,and I was back to school today. The kids wouldn’t start until next week, but now was the time to get the room in order and start preparing for the new students.

There was in-service training for us that involved our new computer systems, and new testing requirements that our students would have to meet. By the end of the second day, I was already exhausted, and I still had three days to go.

Plus, Friday night, Ethan would be coming home. It was hard to believe that twelve weeks had already gone by for his training, and I was about to hit sixteen weeks pregnant. I had a cute little baby bump, and even though Ethan had tried to get me to show it to him, I had refused.

I wanted him to see it for the first time once he got home. I was hoping that as soon as he did arrive home, that he would come over, sweep me off my feet, and take me right to bed. Oh, the thought of finally having sex again was a heady one. I’d been dreaming about it for weeks.

Last night when we had spoken, Ethan had gotten serious, and his sigh had washed over me. “I miss you, Riley.”

“I miss you, too,” I replied. I did miss him. I missed having sex and being able to laugh with him. I missed how he knew me so well and how I didn’t have to explain myself to him as I did to so many others.

“Do you?” he asked huskily.

I laughed. “Of course, I miss you, Ethan.”

“How do you miss me?”

I frowned. “What do you mean, how do I miss you? I just do.”

“Riley, when I think of you, my heart aches. I want to hold you so damn bad that my arms tingle just thinking about it. I can close my eyes and imagine your perfume and the scent of your shampoo as your hair fans out on my chest. I can see your beautiful eyes even when mine are closed, and I want to pull you to me and never let you go. That’s how I miss you, Riley. You are always on my mind, and I can’t wait to get back to you.”

I stared at him, at a loss as to what to say. How did I feel about him? “I miss you, too, Ethan.”

“But not like that.”

“Ethan, I don’t know what you want me to say here. You know who I am and how I am. I’m not as poetic as you are, and I know you love me.”

“But you still don’t love me, do you?”

“Ethan. I do love you.”

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