Page 62 of Emergency Engagement
Fuck.He exhaled slowly and stared hard at the horizon. “No. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.”
“Go home, Beau.” Sinclair turned and walked toward her door. “Savannah will be in touch when she’s ready.”
…
Savannah trudged up the stairs to her apartment for the first time since she and Beau had left to spend Christmas at home, like the happy couple they’d been pretending to be. Now, seven days later, the pretense was over, leaving behind a very real consequence. Officially real, as of today, though she’d never had much doubt.
Beau’s door swung open before she reached the landing, and he stepped out. She’d tried her best over the last few days to prepare for seeing him again. To steel herself against the feelings.
“You’re here.” His dark, shadowed eyes met hers, and in their depths she saw some of the same things she saw in her own eyes these days—stress, fatigue, worry.
She shrugged. “You got my text yesterday. I told you I’d be home this evening if you wanted to talk.”
“And I told you I wanted to talk. Anytime, anywhere. It’s been days, Savannah. If you wanted to punish me with silence, you accomplished the goal.”
She could see the truth of that in his eyes, too, and guilt hacked away at her conscience. “I wasn’t trying to punish you.” Not much, anyway. “I wanted to have concrete information before I spoke to you again. I felt an obligation to improve over the haphazard way information came out Christmas Eve.” She reached into her purse and retrieved the lab report she’dreceived from her doctor earlier in the day. “Here.”
He took the paper, but didn’t take his eyes off her. “What is it?”
“Blood test results. It’s more foolproof than the drugstore test I took Christmas Eve, but entirely consistent. I’m pregnant.” With that, she turned and unlocked her door. “Would you like to come in?”
He put the report in his pocket and followed her inside. “I never doubted you,” he said quietly. “How are you? Does everything look okay at this point?”
“Everything looks fine. I’m about three weeks along. I asked my doctor how I got pregnant while on the pill, and I guess with the type of pill I use, I needed to be very diligent about taking them at the same time of day—”
“You’re moving,” he interrupted, glancing around her packed and considerably cleared out apartment.
“Yes. Sinclair and I have been packing and moving stuff for the last few days.”
“I didn’t realize. I mean, I knew you’d been here Sunday, because you moved your things out of my apartment, but I’ve been working a 12/4.”
“I know. I left your key under your mat. Did you get it?”
“Yes. Don’t go.”
Her heart skipped a couple beats, but she kept her voice calm. “Why not?”
“Because I love you.” The words came out like a criminal’s confession. He raked a hand through his hair and took a step back. “I didn’t plan to fall in love with you. I wasn’t looking for that to happen.” He retreated another step. “But it did.”
“Beau…” She took a step toward him, and he retreated again, until he had the wall at his back.
“The whole thing scares me to death. You…the baby…feeling this intensely about something again, but I can’t shove the emotions into some closet and lock them away. They’re there,and there’s nothing I can do but accept them. And I have. I told you before Christmas I didn’t make promises unless I was one hundred percent sure I could deliver. I swear to God, Savannah, if you trust me, I won’t run again. I’ll be there for you and this baby. I promise.”
Something hot splashed on the hand she had pressed to her chest, and she realized she was crying. She scrubbed her palm over her cheeks to wipe away the tears. “I’m sorry, Beau. I know this is hard for you, and I don’t want to appear ungrateful for all the soul-searching you’ve done, and everything you’ve said, but I can’t move forward if this is how you feel.”
“You can’t stay if I love you, and promise to be here for you and the baby?” He shook his head, rejecting her refusal. “I don’t understand.”
“I can’t stay because you don’twantto love me. In your own words, you’re terrified. You’re trapped by your feelings. Look at you,” she went on, gesturing toward him when he would have interrupted. “You couldn’t even finish the conversation without backing yourself into a corner.”
He pushed away from the wall and closed the distance between them. “My anxiety isn’t a reflection on you or the baby. It’s about risks I have absolutely no control over—and yes, they terrify me. I can’t erase my past.”
“I know. And I understand your fears. Honestly, I do. If it were just you and me, I could be patient and hope your reluctant love evolved into something more enthusiastic and generous, but it’s not just you and me. Our baby deserves joyful, enthusiastic, generous love, right from the start.” She hesitated as he prowled the room like a caged animal, but then added the last bit of truth. “Just like your first one.”
“That’s not fair. I’m not the same man I was three years ago, and there’s nothing—nothing,” he repeated, and pounded a fist on the wall, “I can do about it. Don’t you think I wish I could bethat guy again? Don’t you think if I had the power to magically change, I would? Tell me how to do it, Savannah, and I will.”
Her heart broke for him…and for herself. “I don’t know how to help you let go of the fear. I wish I did. I can only tell you what we need. Accepting anything less is unfair to all of us.” There was nothing left to say, and standing there crying wouldn’t change anything. She hitched her purse straps onto her shoulder and walked to the door. “I have to go.”
“Fine.” He stepped in front of her, blocking the door. Tension radiated from every line of his body. “I’ll figure it out. I’ll go to therapy, or church, or whatever you want. Just don’t leave.”
