Page 80 of Bitter Lies

“Fuck, sweetheart,” he says, clutching me to him tightly, but I can’t breathe.

I can’t breathe, and pulling away, I take deep breaths of air, massaging my chest where my heart is clenched brutally. I just shared my dirty, and I can’t even look at his face because I know what I will see there if I do, the same disgust he’s had for me for years.

I fucking walked into my worst nightmare willingly, and now I’m dying inside because even if Griffin never considered taking me back, the option was taken from me brutally anyway.

All I ever wanted was for him to love me, and I was too stupid to understand he was never going to no matter what I confessed or did.

We sit in silence as I calm, even though the stink of my shame lingers, covering me in the dirt because this is my fucking penance.

And when I can take the awkward silence no more, I back away from him, wiping my face like a child. “Griffin, I’m sorry. I am. I needed…I just had to, but I’m making it right, I promise.”

“What was in the diary, Halsey?” he asks softly, and I cringe.

“It was just old stuff. It—”

“What did it fucking say?”

“It was about the night you said you didn’t care who I fucked as long as it wasn’t you,” I say, avoiding his gaze.

“And?” he mutters.

“Griff—”

“Just fucking tell me!” he bellows, and tears fill my eyes.

“It was the same. It said…you said that to me…after.”

“After what?” he whispers, and looking into his eyes, I see his panic because he knows what I’m going to say, and he’s pleading with me, but for what, I don’t know.

Licking my dry lips, I say, “After what happened to me in the woods.”

“What?” he says, his face falling.

“Yes, you were…cruel, and I wrote about it in my diary.” Turning away, I finish dully, “And she saw it.”

“When I found you by the side of the house? That’s the night…?”

“Yes.”

“Fuck!” he says, pounding his fist against the wood floor wildly. Jumping, I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, surprised at his violent reaction.

“This is all so fucked-up,” he says in a guttural voice.

“Tell me about it,” I say, covering my trembling mouth with my fingers.

Avoiding my gaze, he rolls the bags up and tosses them in the corner. Uncomfortable under the distance between us, I step toward the ladder, pausing when he says softly behind me, “I’m sorry.”

“So am I,” I say, escaping out the hole and walking home glumly.

I didn’t ask what he was sorry for because it doesn’t matter. We’re both sorry for different reasons, and there’s nothing I can do to change any of it. There’s nothing he can do either. It’s too late for apologies. It’s too late for this.

Chapter Twenty-Three

You can’t go back, and you can’t move forward…so where the fuck are you?

The remainder of the break passes uneventfully, and I move into my new dorm straightaway.

My new roommate is downright obnoxious, but even so, I welcome it over the hell I was walking before, and even sharing one room and a community bathroom for the foreseeable future is preferable to the bullshit at the house.

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