Page 86 of Your Two Lips
Mom glanced back at me. “I don’t recall anything bad. She was quiet, but we’re a loud bunch.”
“I talked to her later about moving things forward. She said she wanted to keep it casual. I figured I’m a farmer, not a fancy, rich guy. Maybe I’m not forever material to her.”
“That doesn’t sound like the Emily I know or the Finn I know either, for that matter.”
“Yeah, well, I may have been wrong about several things. I talked to Carrie.” Mom waited. This was not my secret to tell, but maybe Mom could shine some light, help me make sense of it. “Emily was sick for a long time. She had endometriosis. I guess it was pretty bad. She told Carrie she had to have a hysterectomy last year.”
“Oh goodness.” Mom laid her sandwich on her plate and covered her mouth with her palm. “A hysterectomy so young.”
“Carrie said Emily thinks she can’t give me the family I want, so she won’t even consider getting serious. But we never discussed kids. How does she know I even want them? It felt like she didn’t want me.”
Mom stood still, her eyes going wide. “Oh, Finn. You said this happened after the cookout?”
I nodded.
“We talked about this being a family farm for generations. We told stories about when you were little, what your kids would be like, and what you would pass down to them. She heard us talking about a family she thinks you can’t have with her.”
“Mom, I didn’t ask her for a family. I asked her to leave a toothbrush at my house.”
She walked around the island, sat on the stool next to me, and put her hand on my arm. “Finn, babies, and womanhood, it’s complicated. When we’re little, some of us see a lot of images of girls playing with dolls, suggesting a cultural expectation from the start. We get older, and some are told not to get pregnant until we meet the right person, like we have total control over it. Then, we realize there are a lot of opinions about who controls our bodies when it comes to babies. But the idea that we can control it is still there, even in those discussions. We go through life with all this noise, and then some women decide they want a baby. Culture and society have said from the beginning it’s expected and that we can control it. And when we can’t, the world tilts. It can be a blow. Whether you want kids right now or not.”
“Why wouldn’t she talk to me? I thought we were close enough to share the tough stuff. Why would she hide it?”
“That I can’t say. But I know it can seem like a failure. How eager would you be to tell someone you were falling in love with about something you saw as a failure? When you expect them to find you lacking somehow because of it? Would that be easy for you to talk about?”
Shit. I thought Emily was seeing me as not enough. Did she think I saw her as not enough? She was everything.
“But we’re miles away from marriage and family, and we can adopt when the time comes. You turned out okay.”
“Ha. Thanks. Finn, she doesn’t know I was adopted. It’s not like we talk about it anymore. Maybe she thinks your father and I would be disappointed. Someone may have said something horrible in the past.” Joel’s mother popped into my head and the conversation that day on the dock. And then what Carrie said last night about their breakup and how her inability to have a child may have been part of it.
I sat in silence while the thoughts whirled in my mind. I never considered kids and family from a woman’s side, even with an outspoken little sister like Tess. Unless I had the unfortunate task of going to the store to get tampons, I was mostly out of the loop on that stuff. Lately, my role with Tess was strictly making threats to shitheads who disrespected her, like any good big brother would. We weren’t having many heart-to-hearts anymore.
“She may have believed she was protecting you, protecting your dream.”
My dream. I remembered her last words to me. “She gave me money for the resort. The day we fought she told me to keep it, to support my dream.”
“Now that sounds like Emily. She came to the hospital to be by your side. She brought us food and just stayed. She lost her mom to cancer. I doubt sitting in a hospital waiting to hear life or death news about the parent of someone she loved was easy. But she did it. Her heart’s with you, Finn, and she put her money where her heart was.”
“I didn’t think of it that way. I thought it was guilt money. I’m in love with her, and I pushed her away.” I told her shitbag ex I wouldn’t blow it, and I blew it.
“Love doesn’t die so easily. Talk to her. Show her you want her no matter what. Prove you’re the man for her and that she can depend on you.”
“Where do I start? Grovel?”
“It’s a start. Perhaps we should all grovel a little.” Mom dropped her chin.
Bike forgotten. Farm forgotten. I stepped out onto the deck and started to dial her number. What was I going to say? She must think I’m an asshole. I threw her money back at her when she believed it was all she had to give. I needed to see her. I prayed she’d let me.
Me:Em, can we talk? I made a mistake.
Two agonizing hours went by where I paced, shuffled papers on the big wooden desk in the office, cleaned my bike shop, and paced some more.
Emily:Of course. Later. You didn’t make a mistake. It’s better this way. We can go back to friends. I’d like that, but not now.
Mom was right. I needed more than groveling.
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