Page 35 of Toxic

I step away from Dad and move toward the staircase. "You invited the O'Malleys. This is your event, not mine."

His voice turns sharper. "You aren't doing this tonight. Running isn't going to help, Bridget."

I spin on the landing and point at him. "You made this deal. I disagree with it, and you have no idea what you did. Make sure the kids don't leave the house." I turn and rush up the stairs then lock myself in my room.

I assume I'll do exactly what I always do during these times. I'll get dressed up and have my driver take me all over New York. I never get out of the car. I just stare out the window at the city lights, talking to Sean in my head and asking him to forgive me for all the extra pain I've caused his family and our children. And I usually drink too much whiskey while crying and feeling lonelier than ever.

I don't have friends, except for Cara, who just arrived back in the city. She was in Europe for years and had no idea Sean died. After I had the kids, we drifted apart, each busy with our own lives. I ran into her at a coffee shop a month ago.

She keeps asking me to go out, but I've only had lunch with her. Besides the charity events I've immersed myself in, I'm active at the kids' school. My father insisted they attend the same one I did, stating it's the best education in New York, possibly the country. But I remember all too well what goes on in that place, so I'm always there, always watching, always making sure my children don't get wrapped up in toxic shit with their classmates.

I have enough toxic chaos in my veins to last a lifetime.

Until they heard Dad and me arguing over the O'Malleys, Sean and Fiona liked me being at their school. Maybe it was because their father died, but they never were embarrassed or complained. Now, they both avoid me like the plague.

I take a cold shower, trying to freeze all the sadness, grief, and hatred for myself out of me, but I can't. I throw on a little black dress, slide into my heels, then toss my phone, ID, and credit card in an evening bag. I'm unsure why I always do this. Maybe it's to fool everyone into thinking I have a life. Perhaps it's to make me feel like I have one. Regardless, the life I used to know, the person I used to be, no longer exists.

And now my kids, who I've worked so hard to protect and keep safe, have a bigger target on their backs. The only control I felt I had is shattering around me. I don't know how to hold it all together.

I manage to sneak out of the house a few minutes before Killian and Arianna arrive. As my driver veers the car onto the main road, my stomach flips. A black SUV passes us, similar to my father's, and I know it's them. I duck, even though no one can see past the blacked-out windows.

It's not that late, barely dinner time, still a bit light out. I pick up the canister and tumbler then pour some whiskey. Loneliness immediately expands within me. It's always there, constantly nagging me, but it somehow feels worse tonight.

My phone vibrates, and I glance at it, then wish I didn't.

Sean:You left. Figures. You're such a coward.

I cringe then let a large mouthful of whiskey burn down to my stomach. He's right. I am a coward. There's no way I can face Killian or even Arianna now that she knows what I've done.

Hours pass, and I keep drinking, trying to dull the pain. For some reason, my tears don't drop. Maybe I already cried enough today. Everything feels hollow, except for the loneliness that won't go away.

It's dark when my phone rings, pulling me out of my trance. I usually let everything go to voicemail, but I answer it, wondering if something is wrong with the kids.

"Hello."

"Bridget! Where are you?" Cara chirps.

"In the car." I take another large swig, feeling a bit dizzy.

"Doing what?"

I laugh humorlessly. "Drinking. Trying to forget my kids hate me."

Concern fills her voice. "What are you talking about?"

"Nothing."

"So you're alone?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Great, you can be my ride or die tonight."

I bark a genuine laugh. I don't know why I allow myself the simple pleasure, but it's the first time in a long time something strikes me as funny. "Do people still say that?"

"Don't know, but I just did. Pick me up. There's a new underground club, and I'll have them add you to the list."

"Underground club? What does that mean?"

---