Page 53 of Committed to You

I immediately reply, “Thank you. Whatever you want to schedule, please do. I trust your judgment.”

A few minutes later, I get an email back. “Glad you got home okay.”

“I miss you already.”

For twenty minutes, my heart pounds in my throat, and I think she’s not going to answer, until I finally receive, “Ditto.”

I reply, “Get some sleep. You have a big week. I’m really proud of you. You’re the most amazing woman I know. XOXO. PS - Don’t respond to this; just go to sleep.”

I toss and turn all night. At five in the morning, I go to the office and catch up on whatever I can. When eight o’clock hits, I pull out my list and start making phone calls to my previous friends with benefits I think deserve more than an impersonal text.

To my surprise, most of them are happy for me. It hits me that while I was only focused on staying in the friends-with-benefits lane, they were only passing the time until they found someone special. It never even occurred to me I was the only one not looking for that.

I call two women who ream me out about how I was unwilling to commit to them but now am calling to rub it in their face. I cringe and apologize. Vivian’s words once again stab me. “Then you’re the one doing the hurting.”

By four o’clock, I’ve talked to every woman on my list. There is only one column left, and that is the in-person column.

There’s only one name on it.

Meredith.

I want to avoid the conversation altogether. It’s not going to be pleasant, and I know that I’m going to hurt Meredith more than I already have.

But I can’t avoid it. Vivian deserves to be with someone who has no one else sitting on the sidelines. And it isn’t fair for Meredith to be waiting and hoping we might someday have something we won’t ever have.

I wrack my mind for the best way to tell her and where.

I decide that it’s best if she doesn’t come to my house. Dinner is probably not good, either, so I settle on a bar.

I text Meredith. “Can you meet for a drink tonight?”

“Tonight? Or you mean Thursday?”

I cringe, thinking about how I put a day-of-the-week stipulation on her.

“Tonight, if you are free?”

“I’m sorry. I’m out of town. My mom died.”

“Your mom died?”

“Yes.”

“Meredith, I’m so sorry.”

“Thanks. Can we grab a drink when I get back in town?”

“Yes. Sorry again about your loss.”

“Thanks. I’ll text you as soon as I’m back, okay?”

“Sure. Take care.”

Now I feel like an even bigger dick. I wonder if I should wait a bit longer to break the news to her since she’s going through such a big loss right now. I debate but then I remind myself it’s not fair to her, either.

If only I hadn’t created this mess in the first place.

12

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