Page 133 of More than Paper

Last night was the kicker. Alejandro stood on one side of me and Santiago on another, while their men dragged a guy on the ground behind a car until he died.

They did it for fun.

They did it for sport.

When I got to our room, I collapsed in the shower, and V stepped in with her clothes on and held me while I wept like a baby.

V’s observation that I’m in way over my head is the truth. I struggle to remain the same person and not become the hardened one I have to pretend to be, but I wonder if I am.

There are so many demons fighting within me.

Alejandro hasn’t told Santiago he is “grooming” me to take over his reign. V’s plan is for Santiago to find out from us and not Alejandro. There is no doubt in my mind that Santiago is eviler than Alejandro.

V and I are playing a dangerous game.

Our bedroom is bugged. We know because she found it while I was in the shower when we first arrived. Our only question is whether it is Alejandro or someone else who is monitoring us.

We play the happily married couple. V and I pretend to have loud sex. We cuddle and kiss around others. I take her for romantic strolls, arms around one another and heads close together so we can talk freely without worrying about being recorded.

During these walks I talk about Quinn, and she talks about Cindy. We want to communicate with them, but it’s too risky. Everything is monitored.

The days start to melt together, and I begin to wonder if Quinn will wait for me. My final message to her was vague, and despite having her number in my head, I couldn’t call her if I let myself. V and I both knew better and threw out our phones in the Chicago airport. The temptation would have been too high and put Quinn and Cindy at risk.

Chicago.It seems so far away. I wonder how Chase is doing with the expansion. I wonder if Noah has executed the clause in my trust I had put in that if I’m ever missing for more than thirty days to make Quinn a trustee with full power over all the assets on my trust. I wonder if Quinn still loves me as much as I love her.

Does everyone think we are dead, or are they holding out hope?

Hope.I remind myself every day to hold onto it.

We’re going on three months. A quarter of an entire year. What is Quinn doing? Is she getting ready for summer? Has she made up with her family? Does she ever read the text I sent her and pull out her ring and remember how I poured my heart out to her when I slid it on her finger?

My thoughts plague me all day and night long, and I know that Valeria struggles with her memories and questions of Cindy.

Valeria has spoken with her mother. They go for walks, and she fills her in on Santiago’s desire to run the empire. She overheard Alejandro telling his right-hand man and best friend that he thinks Santiago is trying to take over now and is going behind his back to gain power.

That is all we know, as Alejandro has still not disclosed to me why he wants me to take over for any reason except for Valeria to get her inheritance that he promised her mama she would get.

There are two different scenarios for V and me to earn our freedom. We need to find out who is going to reign. Will Alejandro still be king, or will Santiago knock him off? Whoever it will be, we need to be the one to help them do it, in exchange for our freedom.

I ask Valeria over and over if she is sure she can and wants to take her father down. Every day that passes where she sees him lead terror and destruction is another reminder she detests the man. There is no love or loyalty toward him.

When I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize myself. I have a full beard. In some ways, I feel that it allows me to hide my emotions better. I wonder if that is why the other men have them, too.

The men are all Alejandro and Santiago’s pawns. V and I try to figure out whose side each man has loyalty to, but it is nearly impossible. We think we are starting to see some alliances but have no proof.

“We need to finish this,” I mouth to Valeria.

She murmurs, “They will break you.”

I understand what she means. Each day, I break a little more.

I learn how to launder money.

I see how to use physical harm to hurt others.

I get a grasp of how addiction, whether it be for money, drugs, or sex, allows others to hold power over you.

There are things I enjoy, like shooting different types of guns, something I would never have done back in New York. But the thing that scares me is I pretend the targets are either Alejandro or Santiago. With so much death constantly in my face, I wonder if I’m becoming more immune to it. Would I kill if I had the chance?

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