Page 90 of Haze of Obedience
I shake my head. "There's no other explanation."
He kisses my shoulder. "There is."
I turn into him and sniffle.
"It isn't about trust Zoe. I thought it might send you into one of your cravings. I only wanted to prevent that."
"Then why didn't you get rid of the things in your first aid kit?"
"I never thought about it. Do you want me to?"
"No! I don't have any desire to take any of that stuff. The only reason I think I shouldn't ever use it was because of my drummer friend Martín. He went to rehab for alcohol, and they told him to stay away from anything that could be addictive. He didn't listen and ended up with another addiction to pain killers. I...I don't want that to be me."
"So, isn't it good I tried to remove the temptation?"
"Alcohol isn't a temptation for me. I've never been a big drinker. I rarely drank and have zero desire for it."
"Really?"
"Yes."
He sighs. "I'm sorry. I assumed if you saw the alcohol, you would want it, and then you would be struggling all night. I don't like to see you in pain."
"I'm sorry about the other night. I shouldn't have told you what was happening."
"Yes, you should have."
"Why? So you can assume I'm going to take anything that could be addictive and down it?"
"I never said that."
"You didn't have to."
Silence.
"Zoe, tell me why you're so upset about this. I told you my intentions, and I hear you. I won't make the same mistake again. But my gut tells me there is something deeper going on here."
I swallow the thick knot in my throat.
"I want to understand why this is hurting you so much. Tell me," he softly says.
I close my eyes. "I always want the impossible."
He strokes my hair. "What do you want?"
"It doesn't matter. It's never going to be."
"What will never be?"
"My life."
"I'm not following you."
"What's it all been for?"
"What do you mean?"
"My life. What do I have to show for it?"
