Page 157 of Stains of Desire
27
Penelope
My achefor Axel returns when he climbs off my balcony. The temptation to go with him hits an all-time high, but there is no choice.
Millie comes first. I repeat it over and over, resisting the temptation to save my life. I know I am going to die. For months, I've felt it, and there's no stopping it unless I choose myself over Millie. And I'll never do that.
Axel thinks William doesn't know where she is, but my gut tells me he does.
When Axel leaves, it's early in the morning. The darkness is fading, and thick fog blankets the outside. Our last kiss is an emotional experience of bittersweet love.
It's the last time I will ever see him. I know it in my heart, and I put on a brave face so he won't question anything. If I told him what I feel, he would force me to go with him.
He's close to rescuing Millie. There's a calmness around her I've not had before. And the dreams of her in Bermuda get more intense.
I lie down in bed, and after several hours of tossing and turning, I finally drift off.
This time, I don't dream of Millie or Axel. I fall into a nightmare of William and me. We're back in his apartment in Panama City. He's angry. The terror comes to me in violent pieces. William's sinister eyes are colder than I've seen before. He holds a knife to my throat. Then his sage scent fills me, and he's on top of me. The scenes flash like a movie reel, spinning and flickering.
I wake up screaming, in a sweat, and Bernadette comes flying into my room.
"Penelope, wake up!"
"I saw it," I cry out.
"What?"
"How William kills me."
The color drains in her face. "You have to let Gustave fly you out of here. He can hide you."
"No. My daughter will be in danger."
"Your daughter needs you. If you're dead—"
"I've felt it for months. I know this is my fate. And I've seen her on the beach in Bermuda with Julieta and Zoe. If I change the course, she might die. I won't allow it."
"Penelope, he doesn't—"
"I don't want to talk about this anymore." I rise. "I need to take a shower." I go into the bathroom, and when the hot water runs over me, I crouch down on the floor, sobbing.
The only way out of this is to kill William. I have no training, except to shoot a gun, but William confiscated it years ago.
For several nights, I dream the same thing, always in pieces, but Millie and Axel also become part of it.
William is holding a knife to my throat. Millie is laughing with Julieta. Zoe is singing to her on the pink beach. Axel is holding Millie while she cries, then high-fiving her and giving her a fist bump. As soon as I feel happiness, sage creeps into my nose, then flares so strongly, I feel nauseated. William is on top of me. It never stops. Over and over, it torments me. Each time, Bernadette has to pull me out of my hysterical state.
We have the same argument about Gustave flying me somewhere safe. The shower becomes my safe haven to go down my dark hole. But when the water turns cold, I always pull myself out, hearing Axel say, "You need to be strong for Millie."
One morning, I step out of the shower, and my skin crawls. William's angry voice ricochets across the bathroom tiles. "Get out here, Penelope."
I secure the towels around my hair and body and step out. "William. What's wrong?"
"We're leaving in five minutes. You better look perfect."
"I need to dry my hair," I fret.
"Make it happen," he growls.
