Page 61 of Stains of Desire
I unhook my canteen from my backpack and put the spices back in the zippered pocket.
"You say we a lot," she mumbles.
I put my arms around her waist, and she straightens her back. "Does that bother you?"
"You're a little scary," she admits.
My stomach twists. "You're scared of me?"
She shakes her head. "No. That's not what I mean."
"I'm not following you."
"Forget I said anything."
"No. You told me I'm scary. I can't really let that one go. I prefer for you to explain."
She chews her bottom lip for a moment. "I've had two men who I've been a 'we' with. One died. I chose him. I loved him. The other, I hope I never see again. I let him into my life when I was in distress. Now I'm in a bad situation again, and you keep saying we. But nothing about you is like either of those men. And life with a child isn't what you're used to. I'm sure I'm a totally different person when I'm with Millie versus what I'm like now. So I'm not sure what to think when you say we because my track record isn't very good. And to be honest, I came to terms with the fact I'm going to be on my own forever. So I'm... I'm just..." She blows out a big breath.
"Hey—"
"I can't be used anymore. I don't want to get attached. And I don't want to feel like trash when you get tired and throw me away. So I'd rather you not say we," she blurts out, and red creeps back into her porcelain cheeks.
My pulse increases. I try to keep my voice calm, but it comes out fairly hostile. "Your opinion of me is wrong."
"I didn't mean to insult you."
I take a deep breath. "I'm not a player, Penelope."
"I didn't say you were."
"Not in those words, but you implied it."
"I'm sorry, I—"
"Have I treated you like garbage?"
She puts her hand on my cheek. "No."
"Have I lied to you?"
"No."
"What about my intentions? Have I ever stated I was looking to just pass the time with you while we're together?"
Her voice lowers. "No."
"But you see me as a man who would make you mine then not want you the moment you're safe and I make good on my word to rescue Millie?"
She stays quiet. Her body stiffens further. "I'm not judging you."
Her comment only makes my blood boil hotter. I want her to see me as the man I am, not the one she's made me into in her head. I stare at the fire, trying to get past my bubbling anger, but it isn't working. "You're comparing me to William."
"I'm not!"
"Yes, you are. I know enough from the little information you told me. He treated you as his property...someone to use and abuse and service him whenever he wanted it. He held your daughter over your head as a threat. Instead of worshipping you, he degraded you. And you put me in the same box."
She puts her hands back on my face and forces me to look at her. "Axel—"
"Let me make my intentions clear so you aren't confused anymore. I like you. No, scratch that. I'm so attracted to you, my head has been spinning since I saw your picture. And this chemistry between us isn't something I've felt before. I don't use women. I never have. If I wanted to just get laid, I would. But I'm a forty-three-year-old man and not interested in it. Do you have any questions for me?" My heart pounds hard, and my gut twists. I've never laid it on the line to any woman before. No one has ever told me I'll treat them like they are disposable. The fact Penelope is worried I'm going to throw her away the moment I get a chance pains me.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."
Her apology is genuine, but I can't help but wonder what I did to make her see me in that light. "Glad we're on the same page now." I pick up my knife and shave a piece of meat off the stick then hand it to her. "Eat your dinner so you have protein in you."
She stays quiet but does as I instruct her.
I do the same, retracing in my head every moment I spent with her to figure out how I gave her the impression I could ever discard her. And it makes me question how to move forward and make her mine.
