Page 111 of Risks of Temptation
I begin to get angry at Malin. I shouldn't. I insisted on doing this. But the desperation for him grows and hurts deeper with every day that passes and he doesn't come and see me.
He has to hear me.
Every day, I break down and wail for him.
He knows I need him and he doesn't come to me.
I don't know who I am anymore. I learn to control my body better, but it comes with loathing for myself. As much as I hate what Bernadette does to me, the breaking point is an explosion of pleasure I desperately need.
Bernadette keeps asking me if I want to go to the whorehouse to get broken in or if I want them to auction me off. I always tell her no. It still scares me and gives me the courage to continue doing the things she instructs me to do.
My emotions cycle all over the place. Day four is the roughest. I ache for Malin, and I'm exhausted from everything.
Then day five arrives. I wake up with a renewed sense of determination. I'm almost halfway through this hell. Malin and I will get through this and be together soon. But then Bernadette helps put the nail in the coffin. She hands me an oversized photo of Malin. He's at a table with Gustave and several men I don't know. A drink is in his hand, and a beautiful blonde girl in lingerie has her fingers on his chest and is leaning over him. Malin's hands are clasped around her wrists. She's whispering something in his ear. He has a smile on his face.
I'm here trying to save us and he's out drinking with beautiful women who are half naked, fawning over him.
She's younger than me.
He has to play his role.
Has he replaced me?
No, he wouldn't.
What if he has?
Nothing could hurt me more. I want to die. And the hatred I feel at times for Bernadette spirals through my broken heart. Only this time, it's not just toward her. I throw myself on the leather couch, clutching the picture and crying, inhaling its scent and trying to get any piece of Malin I can. I love him and the pain of missing him hits a high. But I'm starting to hate him.
