Page 103 of The Life We Almost Had

Chapter Fifty-Nine

Oliver

Oliver sits by Adam’s bed. Partly because he had promised Anna that he wouldn’t leave Adam while she slept, but mostly because he still wants to be close to her in case she needs him.

When he’d found her earlier, pale and still, blood pouring from her nose, guilt and panic had thrust through Oliver’s veins. He had thought for a second they’d lost her and he’d felt genuine sorrow for her. Then the feeling of relief that she’d been okay. The relief that he wouldn’t be held culpable for leaving the scanner room unlocked, the equipment unsecured, only came later and he hated himself for it.

He wasn’t the most important one here.

‘It was never supposed to be like this,’ Oliver tells Adam. He has spent the last hour telling Adam all about the trial. It’s a relief Adam can’t respond. He knew how he would feel if somebody had put Clem in a similar situation.

‘I wish you’d wake up, mate,’ he tells Adam before selfconsciously pushing his glasses onto his nose. The word ‘mate’ unfamiliar on his tongue, but Oliver doesn’t feel comfortable around men; he doesn’t feel comfortable around people. ‘If you’d wake up there’s a chance you could make it all real.Give Anna a baby. She’s become so attached to Harry, it’s blurred the lines between what’s real and what’s not. She won’t accept that her mind has fabricated him.’ Oliver sighs. ‘Survivor’s guilt is so common. She’s okay and she’s taking the guilt she feels and channelling it into this fake life she’s created where you’re all so happy.’

Oliver studies Adam. It’s hard to imagine him talking. Laughing.

‘I wish… I wish it had been real. I wish I could have met you properly. I think I’d have liked you. I’m not sure what you’d had made of me. Anna thinks you’d be horrified I haven’t seenFootloose. There’s the thing. You have likes and dislikes. Hobbies. Passions. You love. You feel. I put it all second, all of those things that make us human. I made the science more important than the emotion. I’m sorry for what I’ve put Anna through. What I’ve yet to put her through.’

When Anna wakes up, Oliver needs to tell her some more bad news.

Chapter Sixty

Adam

Words. Sentences. Snatches of a one-sided conversation that makes no sense.

Harry isn’t real?

Anna has survivor’s guilt.

If Anna’s the survivor, what does that make me?

I try to move, but I can’t.

Chapter Sixty-One

Oliver

‘I’ve booked you flights back to the UK for the morning. A private ambulance will meet you at the airport to transport you both to St Agnes. It’s a private hospital.’

‘Oliver…’ Anna begins to cry. Oliver feels his heart shatter.

‘I’m so sorry.’

‘Is there anything I can say to make you change your mind?’ Anna wipes her eyes with her sleeve.

‘You could stay but the trial is over. Don’t you think you’d be better off at home, with your family and friends?’

‘I thought you were my friend,’ Anna says in a small voice.

‘I’d like us to stay in touch. I’ve grown very fond of you, Anna. Of you both. Do you hate me?’

Anna considers the question. ‘No, I don’t. You’ve shown me something wonderful. Something amazing. I wish it could carry on but… no, I don’t regret coming here. That chance to spend some more time with Adam, to see the life we almost had, I feel… I feel incredibly sad that it’s over, of course.’

‘Nothing lasts forever, unfortunately.’

‘Love does.’ There’s a confidence to her words. ‘I had thought a few weeks ago that I didn’t love Adam anymore,that our struggle through infertility was too long, too hard for us to recover from, despite my pregnancy. The resentment too deep. If you hadn’t given me the opportunity to speak to him again, perhaps I’d always have felt that way. Now I know. Nothing is insurmountable if you want it badly enough. Adam is my…’

‘Seagull?’ Oliver suggests.

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