Page 123 of The Life We Almost Had

‘You know,’ Mum says for the umpteenth time, ‘even though you adopted Harry, he looks so much like Adam. It’s astonishing.’

She’ll never know just how astonishing it all is.

‘I’m so glad you brought him into our lives, Anna.’ She kisses the top of Harry’s head. ‘Being a grandmother is just as wonderful as I’d always hoped.’

I flit between the people I love. The people who love me.

Chris is telling Josh about a friend of his who has recently broken up with her boyfriend. ‘You’ve got loads in common. I could set you up?’ he asks.

‘Is she hot?’ Josh asks when what he’s really asking is, ‘Is she anything like your wife?’

‘Yeah. She looks a bit like Nell, actually.’

Josh smiles. ‘Yeah, cheers. Why not.’

‘Now, are you sure you’re okay for money?’ my nan asks.

‘I’m absolutely sure,’ I reassure her. Last week she’d tried to give me five hundred pounds again. ‘Adam’s life insurance is more than enough for us to live on for now.’

‘We’ll miss you so much, your mum and I. And your dad.’ Her eyes fill with tears as she speaks of her son. ‘If he were still here, your dad would be…’

‘I know.’ I hand her a tissue. ‘I’ll be back before you know it, and until then we’ll FaceTime.’ Nan has bought an iPad especially. ‘Excuse me for a minute.’

In the corner, Oliver nurses a lemonade, awkward and alone.

‘Thanks for coming,’ I say. ‘I know social engagements aren’t your thing.’

‘I wouldn’t have missed it.’

We’ve become good friends. Aside from Nell, there’s no one I can really talk to about what I went through except for Oliver. Many nights we’ve spoken on the phone until the early hours. Pouring over everything again and again. He’s still at the Institute, still trying to make the world a better place, but concentrating on disease for now. He’s more cautious.

‘Will you carry on with your research into consciousness, one day?’ I ask.

‘I still can’t decide. I don’t know if there are some things we are perhaps better off not knowing.’ There’s a question in his eyes that I can’t answer. I shrug.

‘But,’ his face brightens, ‘we’ve had a breakthrough with our research into Parkinson’s. Every day we’re getting closer and closer to a cure.’

‘Clem would be proud of you but…’ I hesitate, not sure if I’m speaking out of turn. ‘She’d want you to step out of your lab occasionally and live. Perhaps even love.’

‘Eva did…’ His cheeks redden. ‘Eva did ask me out to dinner. There does seem to be some chemistry.’

‘You and your science.’ We both laugh. ‘Be happy, Oliver.’

‘You too, Anna.’

Across the pub I notice Nell gesturing at her wrist. I check the time. Not long left. I pick up a fork and tap my glass and when the room quietens, I begin to speak.

‘I couldn’t have got through this past year without the support of everyone here. It hasn’t been an easy decision to leave the home I shared with Adam, but I don’t want to be living in my memories, yearning for the life we almost had. I want to make the most of every precious second of the life I have right now.I feel…’ A hot lump rises in my throat. I take a sip of my drink to wash it back down before I can continue. ‘I feel Adam will be with Harry and me as we make our trip. The world trip he always planned. Following the route he’d mapped out. Visiting all of the countries he’d wanted to go to. It seems the perfect tribute to the man I love.’ I wipe the tears from my cheeks. ‘The man I will always love.’ I raise my glass. ‘To Adam.’

‘To Adam,’ is chorused back at me.

‘And Anna and Harry,’ says Nell. ‘To the adventure of a lifetime.’ Our eyes meet and I know she’s remembering making the same toast as we flew towards Alircia for the first time eight years ago.

It’s almost time for my taxi to arrive. There had been several offers to drive me but I’d declined them all, not wanting any emotional airport scenes. I had been there. Done that.

‘Anna, we’ve made this.’ Josh’s dad hands me a scrapbook. I flick through it. It’s full of photos of teenage Adam, with mad frizzy hair and terrible clothes. He’s on a dance floor somewhere doing his John Travolta,Saturday Night Feverpose and I can’t help but laugh. There’s a cutting from the paper when his football team won an amateur league. His arm is looped around Josh’s neck and they are both grinning wildly at the camera. You’d think they had won the World Cup rather than a trophy so tiny I can hardly make it out. There are Adam’s A Level results; of course, he passed Geography with flying colours. The last page contains a photo achingly familiar. It is Adam and Josh raising a glass to the photographer. In the background, through the glass wall, I can see a plane. They are wearing shorts and T-shirts I recognize. I don’t need Josh’s parents to confirm that this was taken before they flew to Alircia.

‘We thought you might like to show it to Adam’s mum and dad when you reach Australia, so they can catch up on the years they missed,’ Josh’s mum explains.

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