Page 18 of The Life We Almost Had

‘I’d like to see you. Again. I’d like to see you again very much.’ My voice cracked with nerves. ‘What I’m trying to say is that this should be the end but I don’t want it to be. The end, I mean.’

‘But what about your plans? Travelling?’ She searched my eyes for clarity.

‘The world will still be there if I don’t go for another month, another year even. Or you could come with me? It would be an adventure.’

I held my breath while I waited for her answer.

Chapter Nine

Anna

The heat hit me. I climbed out of the air-conditioned coach, jealousy twisting in my gut as a clutch of new arrivals spilled pasty and hopeful from the airport, exclaiming how gorgeous the weather was. It was unfair to the other tourists to wish that it was raining but it would have felt fitting. As though some higher force greater than Adam and me was feeling the same sorrow I felt. But above us blue skies stretched lazily; the only black cloud was the knowing it had come: the inevitability of goodbye.

We perched on hard chairs, our carry-on luggage shoved under the table, and sipped at bitter coffee.

I didn’t speak. I couldn’t. The past ten days had been the best ten days of my life. The thought that my time with Adam, which had felt like everything to me, might someday fade to nothing was excruciating.

The tannoy called for Adam and Josh to board. He stood. Soon he’d be walking away from me. In my head I tried out the idea of a life without him but it was too painful. I blinked back unshed tears. I wouldn’t cry.

I wouldn’t.

There was a round of hugs. Kisses. And then something else.

Amongst the symphony of airport sounds – the tinny speakers, the wheeling of suitcases, the whine of tired children – I heard it. The whisper of possibility.

‘I’d like to see you. Again,’ Adam said. ‘I’d like to see you again very much.’ His palm was damp in mine. ‘What I’m trying to say is that this should be the end but I don’t want it to be. The end, I mean.’

‘But what about your plans? Travelling?’ Did he mean after he’d returned? I wasn’t sure.

‘The world will still be there if I don’t go for another month, another year even.’

It was everything I wanted until he said, ‘Or you could come with me? It would be an adventure.’

Instantly, I tried to break free of his hold. ‘I… I can’t.’ I tried not to cry. ‘I don’t feel the same way.’

He held onto me tightly and studied my face.

‘Anna, if you tell me you don’t want to see me anymore, I’ll go. But if you don’t want to travel because you want to stay close to your mum, then I’ll stay.’

My throat contracted. How could it be that he knew me so well, but how could I ruin his plans? His trip?

‘I want to stay. I want to meet your mum,’ he said. ‘I want to hear more about your dad. All you need to do is say yes.’

Tears came and this time I didn’t try to hold them back. ‘Yes,’ I whispered and then louder, ‘Yes!’

I leaped into his arms, not a flicker of doubt that he’d buckle under my weight. Knowing with certainty that he’d always catch me.

My heart was bursting, singing with happiness and hope.Singing so loudly other passengers stopped and smiled at the couple so smitten with each other that there wasn’t a single part of her that wasn’t touching a part of him. Her legs wrapped around his waist, her face buried in his neck as he spun her around. We werethatcouple. Unselfconscious and unashamed. In that moment our love was absolute. Our hopes for the future circular, no beginning and no end. Just the unequivocal knowledge that whatever life threw at us, there would always be anus.

I never thought of a time we wouldn’t be together. As he spun me around, I felt dizzy with joy. Now I’m dizzy with sorrow. If we had known what lay ahead, would we have done it anyway?

I’m not sure that we would.

Chapter Ten

Adam

‘You look like shit.’ Josh stood behind me. I was trying to shave with an unsteady hand. In a few hours I’d have to face Anna Adlington. Explain my shabby behaviour.

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