Page 50 of The Life We Almost Had

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Anna

Curtains swished around the bed next to mine. It was visiting time on the ward and, as if they believed the flimsy piece of pale green fabric could drown out their voices, the family chattered loudly in a language I couldn’t understand. Even if they were speaking in English, I didn’t think I’d be able to process what they were saying. My mind was full of one thing.

I had lost our baby.

I had cried, begged, offered the doctor money to save the life that had been ebbing away, but it was too late. After examination, I had been given the option to wait and see if all the pregnancy tissue – and hearing my baby referred to as this brought a fresh bout of tears – expelled naturally, which could take weeks, or to take medicine to speed the process up to a few hours. Reluctantly, I had chosen the latter. The sooner the ‘process’, as the doctor called it, was over, the sooner I could recover my strength and I needed to be strong for Adam. But I hadn’t been able to force the tablet down. I had sobbed, retched, shook my head over and over, but eventually the tablet had dissolved under my tongue and today… today I felt anything but strong.

I was waiting for the nurse to bring me some lunch. If I ate, she had promised me that the doctor would discharge me. That I could go straight to see Adam. She had checked on him twice for me, relaying that his sedation had been withdrawn. He was breathing on his own, which I thought must be a good sign, so why wasn’t he waking up?

I rolled onto my side, turning away from the clock that taunted me with its slow, slow hands. On the other side of the window was a blue cloudless sky. Holidaymakers would be counting their blessings,another day on the beach. It was hard to believe that was Adam and I just forty-eight hours ago.

A breeze caressed my face but nothing could cool my eyes, hot and swollen from crying. Somehow, I slept.

‘Anna.’

Hearing my name, I scrambled to sit up, my heart thudding in my chest. Immediately thinking the worst. ‘Is Adam—’

‘No change. I’ve brought your lunch.’

I propped myself up on pillows as the nurse slid a tray on wheels across my bed. The plate placed in front of me was stacked with mozzarella, lettuce, thick slices of juicy tomatoes, all sprinkled with basil.

‘Thanks. And when I’ve eaten this, I can go?’

‘Yes. I’ll fetch some painkillers you can take when you leave, and some more sanitary pads for you.’

‘I don’t have any clothes.’ My words came out a choke.

‘I’ll find you something.’ She patted my hand before she left.

I felt sick from the medication, sick from exhaustion, sick from everything that had happened, but I cut off a small piece of mozzarella and chewed and chewed until there was virtually nothing left to slide down my throat. I repeated until my plate was empty.When I’d finished I swung my legs out of bed, and unsteadily made my way to the bathroom, touching the wall with my fingertips to keep my balance. There, I dropped to my knees and vomited up everything I had eaten, bile stinging my throat. Afterwards, I went back to my bed and pretended I was fine and before long, they let me leave.

Rather than rushing straight into the intensive care unit, I found myself standing in the corridor outside, drawing lungfuls of air to steady my wobbly legs.

Please.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

Please let him have woken up.

I placed my palm on the door and forced my mouth into something resembling a smile so he did not see how worried I had been.

‘The ventilator has gone.’ Adam was breathing on his own. I grinned at the nurse but her sombre expression pushed the smile from my face.

‘Mrs Curtis—’

‘Call me Anna, please. Is he…’

Still Adam?

‘I’ll go and fetch Dr Acevedo. He wants to talk to you.’

The second she had gone I sank into her still-warm chair.

‘Adam…’ I faltered. Unsure what to say. Could he hear me? I didn’t want to tell him I had lost the baby, not like this but…

I was still deliberating when the door opened.

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