Page 69 of The Life We Almost Had

It isn’t until she has her hands wrapped around a mug that she eventually speaks.

‘I’ve been going through it all. The risks. The danger of trying something that has never been attempted before. How my mum would feel if anything happened to me.’

‘Nothing could happen to—’

‘Please.’ Anna looks at him. Her eyes are bloodshot. ‘Let me finish.’

Oliver gulps his coffee, washing down the words he wants to say.

‘My dad… He died suddenly. Unexpectedly. It’s a great regret of Mum’s that she wasn’t there when he went. It’s a great regret of hers that in the period before he died, they were both so busy – he was a head teacher, you know – and they didn’t talk as often as they should have.’ Anna pushes the hair back from her face. ‘They talked. They were happy. It’s just… Mum said she had always thought that there would be lots of time when he retired for meaningful conversations. I think… I know she’d understand why I want to do this, and if it goes wrong… I’ve written her a letter explaining… There are things that have happened between me and Adam. Things I need to know.’

‘I don’t quite understand,’ Oliver says.

‘I’m going to say yes to the trial. But I’ll be the one connected to Adam, not you.’

Oliver’s stomach drops. ‘I’m afraid I can’t allow that.’ It isn’t only because this is his project. His dream. He now understands why Anna wrote to her mother and she is right to be cautious. There could be… consequences.

‘Then I’m afraid I won’t allow you to try,’ Anna says.

‘Anna, I’m as certain as I can be that this is safe, but the bottom line is the new fMRI scanner is more powerful, it has—’

‘Stronger magnets, faster readouts. It’s new tech. I understandallof this.’

‘Then you should also understand that there could be some side-effects and I can’t—’

‘Can’t or won’t? Look, if anyone is going to able to feel what Adam is feeling, it should be me. I’m willing to take the risk. What if this is the only chance there is…’ Anna’s voice cracks.

Oliver whips off his glasses and rubs his eyes. He can’t agree to this.

‘What if, for now…’ he is thinking on his feet, ‘we try the trial without another person taking part. Just Adam. Without the VR goggles we’d still receive images from the scanner but they wouldn’t include the other senses of course. We can all view on screen at the same time—’

‘No,’ Anna cut in. ‘I won’t agree to that. We use the goggles and I’m the one with Adam. All or nothing.’

‘Go big or go home,’ Nell says.

‘It’s too…’ Things are sliding out of Oliver’s control.

‘Please, Oliver. Let me try.’

‘Nell?’ Oliver pleads. ‘You must see that—’

‘I’d want to be the one if it were me and Chris.’

‘But…’ Oliver has logic. Reasons. But are they excuses? What if it were Clem in Adam’s position? He would want to be the other person taking part. He clasps his hands behind his head and stares at the ceiling in despair. He could wait for another suitable candidate. He should wait.

‘Anna, I’m sorry—’

‘Don’t say sorry. Say yes. I… I messed up. With Adam. Hasn’t there ever been anything you wish you could say sorry for in your relationship with Clem?’

There were so many things to apologize for; Oliver wouldn’t know where to start. He should have noticed Clem was ill. He should have made her see a doctor. He should have been able to save her.

‘I think… there are always things we want to say sorry for.’

‘And if you got that chance now? Wouldn’t you take it?’

‘This trial is for us to see what is in Adam’s consciousness. Not what is in yours.It is unlikely you will be able to communicate with him.’

‘But there’s a chance that I could?’

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