Page 72 of The Life We Almost Had

‘I guess so.’ I remember running into the sea, trying to hide my body.

‘How would you describe your relationship?’

‘Amazing.’ Did that sound fake?

She holds the silence until I break it. ‘We have our ups and downs, of course, all couples do, don’t they?’ Still, she doesn’t speak. What does she want me to say? ‘We’d been having some problems.’ I look at my hands.

‘Tell me about them.’

‘We’d been trying for a baby for a long time. It created a bit of a wedge between us.’ I pick at my nails. ‘A lot of a wedge.’

‘In what way?’

‘He’s never said anything but I think he blamed me.’

‘You think?’

‘We don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about much anymore.’

‘Why not?’

I take another drink. Wishing I could wash away the image of us lying on the beach when we met. My leg hooked over his. His thumb stroking mine. The way we opened up to each other.

‘I think… I think I love him so much it was unbearable to think I’d let him down. I didn’t want to hear him say it.’

‘But you don’t know how he feels?’

‘No. But he doesn’t have to say; I can tell by the way he forgets to do things I ask him to or accuses me of nagging if I ask when he’s going to do some DIY. I’m trying to create a home and he doesn’t seem tocare.The books are stacked on the floor when he could easily build the bookcase and…’ I stop.Suddenly feeling a sickness deep in the pit of my stomach. Adam could bedyingand I’m complaining he doesn’t do enough around the house.

Eva gives me a moment to compose myself. ‘Does Adam ever indicate that he wants to talk?’

I shake my head.

‘Why do you think that is, Anna?’

Because he doesn’t care.

Because he doesn’t careenough.

‘Because…’ I think of Adam treading water while I clung to the yacht. ‘Jump,’ he had shouted, panic in his voice. ‘I won’t let you fall. I promise I’ll catch you.’

‘Because he’s scared.’

He’s scared. I’m scared. I cover my face with my hands and Eva allows me the indulgence of tears. Eventually I raise my face to hers.

‘We’ve so much to say,’ I whisper. ‘So much we should have said. We didn’t talk. We didn’tlisten. If there’s the slightest chance I can put that right… Please. Let me.’

She puts down her pen. ‘I’ll go and fetch Oliver.’

Chapter Forty

Oliver

Anna’s psychological assessment has gone well. Eva is willing to sign off on the paperwork on the condition she gets to chat to Anna every day.

‘Sofia has taken Anna to the medical wing for a physical,’ he tells Nell, who is nursing cold coffee. ‘There are certain conditions we need to be mindful of when using magnets, which would rule Anna out of participating in the study. She shouldn’t be too much longer.’

‘What sort of things?’ Nell asks.

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