Page 77 of The Life We Almost Had

Again, he shows me the console room where he and Sofia will be watching me, both through the glass and via the computer screen. Luis settles Adam on the patient table, as I now know it is called.

‘The scanners are notoriously noisy,’ Oliver tells me. ‘Unfortunately the knocking sound you’ll hear is something we couldn’t entirely eradicate with our new design but you’ll be wearing noise-cancelling headphones. I’ve a microphone in the console room and I’ll be able to speak to you. There’s a mic within the machine so you can talk to me. I want you be comfortable and if you’re not, just say and I’ll get you out as quickly as I can.’

‘Okay.’ Nerves writhe around my stomach. ‘There is enough air in the machine for both of us?’ Oliver’s new design may be larger than usual but now I’m about to go inside it, it seems impossibly small.

‘Absolutely. Some people can experience anxiety in a confined space but, again, we can get you out at any time.’

I don’t care how bad it gets or how panicky I feel. I won’t ask to stop. This is possibly my only chance to do this.

‘We’ll be timing you for thirty minutes and then we’ll call a halt. Potentially it might feel much longer; I’m sure you’ve had dreams that seem to have lasted an extraordinarily long time, but when you woke up, you might only have been asleep for several minutes?’

‘Yes.’

‘In a dream state, the processing speed of our subconscious mind is much faster than the conscious mind. An event that in reality might take hours can be experienced in just seconds in the subconscious mind.’

‘Last night I dreamed about the time Adam and I stayed up all night on the beach talking, seven years ago. I woke thinking it must be morning but I’d only been asleep for twenty minutes.’ It was all so vivid. The taste of cheap wine like vinegar on my tongue. The setting sun burning orange. Clicking our love lock to the fence. The smell of salt. The feel of Adam’s skin under my fingers. Tracing the map-shaped birthmark staining his arm.

‘That’s because your brain understands how long that night took and used your real-life experience to simulate the passage of time. Minutes can seem like hours.’

Hours with Adam is what I want more than anything right now.

‘If there’s anything in Adam’s consciousness we’re hoping to record it, but again, this is a prototype and its capabilities on paper may not match the reality. I don’t want you to get your hopes up.’

I try to force a smile. My hopes are sky-high. ‘I know. Can we just start, please?’

‘Okay.’ A smile stretches across Oliver’s face before his features settle into serious scientist once more. I can’t blame him for being excited. This is his life’s work. His big dream. Suddenly I am heavy with the weight of responsibility that I might let him down.

I settle myself on the table next to Adam, linking my fingers through his. Sofia slips the goggles onto me and then the headphones. There’s a jerk and then we’re sliding into the scanner. I’m not claustrophobic but the sense of heat, of being closed in, is uncomfortable, and if this wasn’t my chance of seeing what Adam is thinking, I’d be tempted to scramble out. There’s a hiss and then Oliver’s voice sounds through the headphones.

‘Okay, Anna?’

‘Yes.’ My voice sounds inaudible to me.

‘I’m going to count down from ten and then we’ll begin.’

Ten

Am I doing the right thing?

Nine

I am terrified there’ll be nothing there.

Eight

Terrified there’ll be something there and it will be unbearable.

Seven

What if he’s thinking he doesn’t love me anymore?

Six

What if he knows I’ve been questioning my love for him?

Five

I can’t breathe in the machine.

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