Page 83 of The Life We Almost Had

‘If I could change things for you, I would.’

Their food arrives and the conversation lightens to the tourist attractions on the island. Anna tells him about the lava caves she had visited with Adam when they first met.

‘Have you been?’

‘No,’ Oliver says. ‘I’m a bit all work and no play, I’m afraid.’

‘It was incredible. Each one was a themed room with furniture and everything. All underground. There was even a dance floor.’

‘Ah, now I definitely won’t go. Nobody needs to see me dancing. Clem said I resembled somebody with their finger stuck in a plug socket.’ He makes jerky movements with his arms. ‘Adam thinks he’s Kevin Bacon inFootloose,’ Anna smiles.

‘Stick on the soundtrack and he’ll be up there doing his thing.’

‘I’ve never seen that film,’ Oliver admits.

‘Adam would behorrifiedto hear that. He’s obsessed with Eighties music and movies.’

They finish eating, lingering over coffee.

‘So…’ Anna looks at him intently. ‘Can we… can I take part in the trial again?’

‘I don’t know, Anna. I should probably take it back to development stage and check everything is safe. Something isn’t right with the computer not recording and then there’s your nosebleed and headache.’

‘How long would that take?’ Anna asks.

‘Months.’ Oliver wants to be truthful.

‘It may be too late for Adam then. For me. Oliver… I was pregnant.’

‘I think perhaps we could try again, but this time I have to be the one taking part.’

‘No! Oliver, you promised I could try.’

‘And you have, Anna. I need to see for myself.’

Emotions slide across Anna’s face. ‘I appreciate you’ve spent years working towards this and of course you want to try it but… not yet. Soon, but I’m still adjusting to all of this. It’s okay for you. Science is your job. Your passion. You understand its capabilities. A few days ago, I didn’t know anything about consciousness and Adam, he isn’t… he isn’t just a subject to me. Today seems like a dream almost. I want to do it again.’

‘Anna, I think I made a mistake letting you try. I didn’t think about the effect it would have on you mentally, when you had to stop.’

‘But you did consider that on some level. You wouldn’t have insisted on me seeing Eva otherwise. You’re a good man.’

Is he? Oliver wonders if he was just following procedure. Ticking boxes. There is no checklist for morality. Was he playing God?

Anna leans towards him. ‘I’ve signed a disclaimer; you don’t need to worry—’

‘I’m not worried about being sued.’ Oliver is indignant. ‘I’m worried about you. You haven’t seen Eva yet. We agreed.’

‘I’ll speak to her first thing, but I’m okay. You want me to trust you, Oliver, and I do. Please trust me. Everything was fine. I’m fine. Let me be the one to try again, not you.’

Oliver is torn between his head and his heart. He sees Clem press her finger to her lips. He sees her lying delirious in a hospice bed. He remembers his despair.

‘Okay,’ he eventually says. ‘Tomorrow. If Eva is happy, you can try again tomorrow.’

Chapter Forty-Six

Anna

It is the morning light pushing through the window that stirs me. Ever since the accident I’ve been waking every thirty minutes, skin clammy, heart pounding, but last night I slept for seven hours straight.

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