Page 93 of The Life We Almost Had

‘Shit. Ten minutes.’ The harried expression on Adam’s face makes me forget my own discomfort.

‘You’ll be an amazing dad, Adam.’

‘I don’t know…’

‘I do,’ I say firmly. ‘You are brave and selfless and—’

‘I can be a selfish git—’

‘Shut up.’ I sit up and reach forward, holding his face between my palms. ‘When it comes down to it, you always put others before you, even…’ My voice cracks. ‘Even if sometimes I wish you didn’t, you’re my absolute hero. I’m so proud of you.’

‘Anna.’ His finger lightly runs across my wedding ring. ‘My wife. I love you so much.’

‘I love you too and I’m sorry we had a rough—’

‘It’s not important. The here and now. It’s all we have.’

I nod, too overcome to reply. If only he knew how true that was.

‘Right.’ Helen bustles back into the room. ‘Are you ready?’

‘Wait!’ Adam rummages around in his rucksack and pulls out a CD.‘On the tour of the maternity unit we were told we could bring music?’

‘Yep. You could have had it on earlier.’

‘No. This is just for now.’ Adam smiles as Helen slips the disc into the player. I’m half expecting a mix of Eighties music, a selection of the terrible songs that played in the bar in Alircia the night that we met. Madonna singing ‘True Blue’ as Nell handed me a bright pink cocktail decorated with umbrellas and pineapple. Instead, Elvis croons ‘Love me Tender’, our wedding song.

‘Oh, I love this!’ Helen says.

‘You might not if Anna doesn’t push this baby out pretty damn quickly. The track’s on repeat for ninety minutes.’

‘That wife of yours might be tempted to throw the CD player at your head. Right.’ Helen has a quick check. ‘Ready? You will shortly become parents.’

My body is splitting in two. I huff and puff. Panting when Helen instructs me to, Adam panting beside me. Pushing when she says it’s time, squeezing both of Adam’s hands in mine. This time he doesn’t complain. ‘Love me Tender’ is still playing so it has not yet been ninety minutes. It feels like ninety hours. Helen and I definitely have different definitions of how long the time span ‘shortly’ should cover.

I’m tired now. Sweat slicks my skin, the sheet under me drenched. Sporadically, Adam smooths my tangled hair away from my face. Runs a damp flannel over my lips. The ice chips have long since melted.

‘I. Am. Never. Having. Another. Baby.’ I don’t even have the energy left to cry. ‘I can’t do this. I can’t.’ My hands cling to Adam’s T-shirt. I give him a feeble shake. ‘Make it stop now.’

‘Anna—’

‘I’ve changed my mind!’ I am shouting now. Trying to swing my legs down. Wanting to walk away from it all. ‘I can’t do it.’ My chest is heaving with dry sobs. I feel a complete and utter failure.

It’s too hard.

Too painful.

Too everything.

‘One last push, Anna,’ Helen shouts.

‘You hear that, Anna? One more and it will all be over. We’ll meet—’

‘If you say Gregg, I’ll fucking kill you.’

‘Get ready,’ Helen barks. ‘Deep breath and… push!’

I screw my eyes, grit my teeth, use the last ounce of my strength to push. Just when I feel my head will explode with the exertion, there’s a give.

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