Page 101 of The Life We Almost Had

‘I think we’ll stay here.’ Amongst my own things, safe and familiar.

‘Anna, you’ve got to go out sometime. I know it’s daunting because Harry is constantly hungry and, to be blunt, he shits himself more times a day than Josh, but I’d feel better when I go back to work knowing you’ve ventured further than the kitchen. We’ve got to take him outside sometime. This is our life now.’

Our life. It’s our home. The same and yet somehow not. It’s like the hopscotch Nell and I used to play as kids. Each time the rain would rub out our chalk marks, we’d scratch them onto the pavement again. At first glance they looked exactly the same but it’s impossible to recreate something twice. There’s always a subtle difference. It is all here. Our furniture. Our clothes. But there is something missing.

The underlying anger we’d been carrying.

The disappointment.

The way we usually skirted around each other.

It’s gone. All of it.

I smile. ‘You’re right. I’m just nervous.’

‘Don’t be. I’ve got you.’

It’s ages before we’re ready to leave. I’ve changed Harry’s nappy and the second I get him dressed, he fills it again. He’s now wrapped in so many layers he lays stiff in his pram, unable to kick his limbs.

‘A snowsuit is a little extreme?’ Adam says cautiously. ‘No, it’s fine,’ he quickly says when I begin to lift Harry up. ‘Don’t change him.Honestly, Anna, it’s taken you an hour so far and we’re only going to be out for ten minutes.’

‘I just want…’ My voice thins. ‘I just want everything to be perfect.’

‘And it is.’ Adam wraps his arms around me, his chin resting on the top of my head. ‘Now, come on, we can be back by three.’

‘What’s at three… Oh.’ Football, but oddly this doesn’t irritate me. I might even watch the match myself.

Adam pushes the pram into the hall and opens the front door. ‘Right, let’s do this. Little man, meet the world.’ Adam manoeuvres the wheels down the step. ‘It might seem big and scary but it’s pretty awesome. Like your dad actually.’

I roll my eyes and step outside, and that’s when it happens.

The world tilts and blurs and I can feel myself slipping away.

‘Adam!’ I cling on to the door frame and stretch out my arm. Adam rushes back down the path towards me. He takes my hand but I feel his fingers fading from my grasp.

I feel myself fading.

I feel nothing.

Chapter Fifty-Five

Adam

Falling. Twisting. Weightlessness.

Fighting to breathe.

Fighting to move.

Choking.

Choking.

Choking.

Chapter Fifty-Six

Oliver

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