Page 24 of The Life We Almost Had

‘Yes.’

‘Forget the crown, Nell,’ I said miserably. It didn’t seem important anymore.

‘Absolutely not.’ Nell was on a mission now. ‘I’m not going to be beaten. Look, if I just tape the roses to the halo and twist in strands of jasmine, and entwine cream ribbon through it all, it’ll be done. It should be easy. Fuck.’ A thorn tore through her skin, and she sucked her index finger.

‘You’re going to bleed all over your dress. Honestly—’

‘Anna.’ Nell’s eyes met mine. ‘I’ve got this.’ She plucked another dusty pink flower from the diminishing pile.‘Right, you little bastard. If you don’t behave, I’ll chop your head off. I’ve secateurs here. Don’t think that I won’t.’

I knew she’d pull it off.

Upstairs, I sat on Mum’s bed while she lifted something out of the bottom of her jewellery box. She pressed it into my hand.

‘A coin?’ I didn’t understand.

‘Not just any coin, but the coin Grandad Harry fed into the jukebox to play Elvis the day he met Nan.’

‘Really?’ I turned it over in my hand, feeling all of the history contained in its cold, hard metal.

‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘Grandad said he asked the owner to fish it out so he could keep it as a reminder of the minute he fell in love. Whether thatisthe actual coin or not we’ll never know, but the point is what it symbolizes.’

I still wasn’t quite getting it.

‘I’ve never told you this, Anna, but Nan’s parents disowned her.’

‘Why?’

‘Because she fell pregnant with me before she was married.’

Instinctively I placed my hand over my stomach, remembering the time I had convinced myself that I was pregnant a few months ago.

‘It was a different era, Anna. A real scandal. Nan was devastated. Grandad tried to talk to her parents but they never came around. She told me she cried and cried until Grandad gave her this coin, telling her it was from the jukebox. “I can’t say anything to take your pain away,” he had said, “but carry this coin with you and whenever you’re feeling lost or lonely, give it a rub and know that I’m thinking of you. Always.”’ Mum smoothed my hair from my face and cupped my cheeks with her hands. ‘We can’t always fix things for those we love,Anna, and they can’t always fix things for us, but sometimes just knowing – remembering – that we have that special person who loves us, listens to us, is enough.’

‘I felt I’d let Adam down on the phone. I didn’t know what to say.’

‘Sometimes you don’t need to say anything. When Grandad was laid off from the brewery, he came home and sat on the back doorstep, his head in his hands. Do you know what Nan did?’

‘No.’

‘She gave him the coin and sat. Just sat with him, holding his hand. Throughout the years, that coin passed back and forth between them and when… when your dad died, Nan gave it to me.’

My eyes filled with tears.

‘And now, Anna, I’m giving it to you.’ She closed my fingers around it.

‘But—’

‘Hush. Sometimes we don’t have to say anything.’

And we sat there silently on the bed she’d shared with Dad, my head resting on her shoulder, until Nell burst into the room triumphantly brandishing the finished crown.

It was all going to be okay.

The second I saw Adam at the altar, the world disappeared. My arm linked through Mum’s as we made the slow walk down the aisle. My heart was both light and heavy, missing Dad but grateful for Mum. Excited to become Adam’s wife. His eyes didn’t let go of mine until I reached him. Whispering an ‘I’ll explain later’ in his ear, I pressed the coin into his hand.

We promised for better or for worse and I don’t think either of us registered who was there and who wasn’t. It was him and me.

It would always be him and me.

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