Page 28 of The Life We Almost Had

‘Not necessarily, but it could well have contributed towards her fail… lack of pregnancy. Sometimes with endometriosis there is a build-up of adhesions that can trap the egg and prevent it from moving down the fallopian tube.’

I glanced at Anna. Her face was as white as chalk. I could see that if she spoke, she would cry.

‘So is there anything we can do?’ I asked.

‘Surgery to remove the adhesions would certainly increase the chance of conception. There are no guarantees, of course. Anna has age on her side and may well conceive naturally.’

‘We…’ Anna took a deep breath. ‘We want the surgery.’

‘The surgery can cause further problems: infections, bleeding, damage to affected organs.’

‘We want the surgery,’ Anna repeated.

At home, I tucked Anna under a blanket on the sofa and made her a hot chocolate. It sat untouched on the coffee table, melting cream streaking down the mug onto the glass.

I lifted the blanket and slipped under it.

‘Anna—’

‘Don’t,’ she said quietly. ‘Just don’t.’

‘This isn’t your fault, you know.’ I felt helpless knowing how wretched she must feel inside. If it were the other way round, I know that rightly or wrongly, I would feel to blame.

‘I can’t talk about it. Not yet. Please don’t make me.’

At a loss to know what else to do, I reached into my pocket and pulled out her grandad’s coin. She took it gratefully, curling her hand around it.

I had thought, at that time, we would be okay. It was comforting to think that we had a good support network around us, but I didn’t know then that our network would crumble.

I didn’t know then what was to come the following day.

Chapter Fifteen

Anna

It was a sleepless night. In bed, I placed my hands over my lower abdomen and imagined the adhesions forming under my skin. The adhesions that were preventing me from falling pregnant. Next to me, Adam slept and I hated him for not being awake. Didn’t he care? I glared at him through the gloom until my eyes filled with tears.

Of course he cared.

I knew that undoubtedly. He would never blame me, and yet I felt I was to blame. My stupid, faulty body was to blame.

Tears of self-pity flowed and I let them, turning my face into the pillow, the foam absorbing my sorrow. I was scared. Scared of the surgery. Scared it wouldn’t work. Scared Adam would leave me for someone who could conceive. Every single potential problem I could think of loomed out of the dark.

By the time the grey sludge of dawn lightened the sky, I had vowed that I would not let this come between me and Adam. I wouldn’t let it become the focus of us. I wouldn’t let my endless fears become his fears. He was my glass-half-full optimist and I needed him to stay that way.

I wanted to talk to someone though. It wouldn’t be fair to burden Mum. We hadn’t even told her we were trying – not wanting that ‘Am I going to be a grandma?’ question every month. We thought it would be a nice surprise for her when it happened. I was glad she didn’t know.

Quietly, I dressed. Pulling on track pants and lacing my trainers. The cold air filled my lungs and I ran and ran until I found myself on Nell’s doorstep. Here I could cry unfiltered, lay out all of my doubts before her, knowing she would listen without judgement, without trying to fix it. Fix me.

It was Chris who answered. Bare-chested, black joggers hanging low on his waist.

‘Anna.’ He stifled a yawn with his hand. ‘Is everything okay?’

‘Yes. Sorry it’s early.’ Stupidly, I hadn’t thought that he might be here. ‘Is Nell awake?’

‘She probably is now,’ he said, but not unkindly. ‘Come in.’

I followed him into the kitchen. The sink was piled with washing-up, most likely from Nell’s housemates. She rarely cooked. Still, she’d be moving into Chris’s house soon enough.

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