Page 32 of The Life We Almost Had

‘What do you fancy?’ I wiggled my eyebrows alluringly but she didn’t laugh. She didn’t rip my clothes off either. She wouldn’t until the bloody app told her to.

‘Curry?’ she asked.

Garlic breath and raw onion salad.

‘Perfect,’ I said.

After I had rung the order through, I quickly showered, scrubbing my hands that still smelled of oil – I was late home because I had stopped to help an elderly couple change a flat tyre. Ridiculously it was virtually outside of Tesco, but by the time I had sent them on their way the shopping had slipped my mind.

Rummaging for a pair of clean socks, I noticed that one of Anna’s drawers wasn’t properly shut. There was a piece of tissue paper poking out. My shoulders deflated even further. She had been sitting here alone, looking at the sleepsuit we had bought. No wonder her mood was so foul. I wished we could talk, but what would we say? I felt to blame. She felt to blame.

The best thing I could do was act normal, knowing that the tension would pass. It always did. I changed into my jogging bottoms and sweatshirt stained with bolognese sauce. Anna wasn’t the only one who had stopped making an effort. Is this how all marriages ended up? Comfort clothes. Comfort food. Finding comfort in everything but each other.

Perhaps tonight would be different. I splashed some hopeful aftershave on my cheeks as the doorbell rang. By the time I was back downstairs, Anna was spooning korma onto plates.

‘Movie?’ I scrolled through my tablet for something to cast.

‘Nothing too slushy.’

‘Up?’ I knew it was corny and I should probably choose one of the Bourne films or a Dan Brown, something infinitely more masculine anyway,but I loved the Disney story of Ellie and Carl and we hadn’t seen it for ages. There was also a small part of me that wanted to remind Anna that a couple could live a long and happy marriage without children.

‘Okay,’ Anna sighed and I knew she only agreed because she thought she needed to make up for her snappiness to me and I didn’t disagree. I took what I could get. ‘Just don’t ask for a dog this time.’

‘Fine. But if I ever find a talking Golden Retriever like Dug, he’s ours.’ I smiled but it made me sad we had bought a hamster rather than a dog. We had planned to get a puppy after we’d had a baby, when Anna was at home and the dog could join the household knowing where he stood in the pecking order. I already knew my place.

The movie began. I turned up the volume as Hammie spun endless turns in his wheel that squeaked with every rotation. I passed Anna the tissues because, no matter what she said, the opening scene got her every time. The lonely old man grieving for his lost wife. She snuggled up to me and I loaded another poppadum with mango chutney before I passed it to her.

As we watched the house tied with balloons soar through the sky, I stole a glance at Anna. She was my Ellie. The one true love of my life. Was I her Carl? If I was ever without her, I didn’t know what I’d do. I would be the one sitting in the chair, crying over our photo albums.

‘Adam?’ Anna asked as Carl abandoned his quest to visit the place he and Ellie had dreamed off, instead building a new life for himself.

‘Yeah.’ I pulled her close to me.

‘Do you still believe that if you love someone you should set them free?’

My stomach twisted. What was she asking? Why was she asking?

‘I think…’ I considered my words carefully before I replied. ‘I think… yeah.’ In the swarm of profound words and phrases in my mind, I could only say yeah. No wonder we ate in front of the TV every night.

We went to bed and I watched her sleep because, sad as it was, I still did that.

If you love someone, set them free.

The thought of being without her formed a hard ball in my chest.

Did she want to leave?

I didn’t know how to fix this. I didn’t know how to fix us.

You can’t, the night-time said softly in my ear.

I turned away from it. I turned away from her.

The moon fell steeply through the window onto our wedding photo, which had once made me happy to look at but now made me sad and despairing. Frustrated and angry.

It made me all of those things, and more.

You know what to do,Adam,whispered the darkness once more.

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