Page 34 of The Life We Almost Had

‘It would be a perfect job if it weren’t for the bloody kids.’

I scanned the menu, playing it cool. ‘Do you want them? Kids?’ I knew he didn’t have any.

‘God, no. I don’t. I think we see the best of them – the ambition, the curiosity – but we also see the worst too. I feel privileged to help shape futures but when I go home,I want to switch off. Is that horribly selfish?’

It was horribly alluring but I didn’t tell him that. Imagine being with somebody who didn’t want a child. I wouldn’t have to feel guilty then. I drained my glass and held it out for a refill. ‘We’re all entitled to be a little selfish sometimes, aren’t we? Not everyone wants a family.’

‘How about you, Anna?’ He paused until I met his gaze. ‘What do you want?’

It was a loaded question.

‘I… I don’t know.’

‘Are you coming to the conference in Derbyshire next week?’

‘I haven’t spoken to Adam about it yet.’

‘You don’t need his permission, do you? It’s an education seminar. Work, Anna.’ But we both knew it was more than that. There was an undeniable attraction between us. An attraction that meant two nights away in a country hotel was a terrible idea. The conference was for head teachers, deputies. Not for staff at my level. He wanted me there because he wanted me and, if I’m honest, I wanted him but…

‘I’m not sure it’s a good idea.’ I had told myself it was a line I wouldn’t cross but since he had asked me two weeks ago, I had shopped for new clothes. New underwear. Revelling in the what-might-be.

‘It could be good for you. Us.’ Ross placed his hand on mine. It was too heavy. Too hot. Too everything that wasn’t Adam, but I didn’t move it. Knowing that even if I did, I would still feel it there.

‘Anna,’ he whispered. ‘Anna. Why are you so unhappy?’

I found myself opening up to him. Not about my infertility or about Adam – that would have seemed disloyal – but the about the pressure I felt to look out for Mum since Dad died.To live up to Dad’s legacy as a head teacher. The worry that my nan was becoming more and more forgetful. He listened. The way Adam used to. The way he did in Alircia on the beach.

Ross wiped a tear from my cheek with his thumb.

‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘This was supposed to be fun.’

‘I know! Fuck me, it’s the last time I ask you out. It’s old Maude the dinner lady next time. She looks like a riot.’

I laughed and that was something that didn’t happen frequently.

‘I’d better go.’ I stood and looped my handbag over my shoulder.

‘Stay for another?’ He waved the bottle. It was dangerous. I should go home. ‘I can’t drink it, I’m driving. It would go to waste otherwise.’

‘Okay.’ While Ross went to the loo, I rattled off a text to Adam, telling him there was a staff meeting after work. I had almost convinced myself it was true until Ross sat down again, not in the chair opposite me this time, but next to me. His thigh pressing against mine.

‘This is nice,’ he said. ‘Sometimes I love living alone but sometimes I go back to an empty house and it feels so lonely.’

‘Have you dated? Since your divorce?’

‘No. I was holding out until I met the right person – it’s soul-destroying being with the wrong person.’

‘Washolding out?’

‘We can find happiness in the most unexpected of places, Anna. It’s a question of being brave enough to let it in.’

I downed my wine. The warm bloom of alcohol loosened my tongue. ‘I want to be happy but I’m not brave enough.’

‘I think you’re stronger than you think.’ Ross placed his hand my knee.

Was I?

It would take courage to leave. Courage to stay.

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