Page 57 of The Life We Almost Had

He poured a drink, not whiskey now but orange juice. He never touched alcohol.

Not anymore.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Anna

Nell didn’t have any of the awkwardness I had first felt around Adam as he lay comatose in a hospital bed; she wasn’t intimidated by all the equipment. She immediately held his hand and chatted to him as comfortably as she would perched on a bar stool, sharing her news over a glass of wine.

‘So, the flight attendant beckoned the other one over, and whispered “A couple have just gone into the loo together. I think…” The attendant glanced at the elderly lady I was sitting next to and lowered her voice, “I think he’scomfortingher.” “Oh no, dear,” the elderly lady shouted. “I think you’ll find they’re having sex. It’s the mile-high club. Are you a member, dear?” she asked me. “Me and my Arthur tried once but couldn’t manage it. Look, it’s my arthritis, you see.” She raised her hand and tried to move her fingers. “I’m not very bendy.” I don’t know who was more embarrassed, the flight attendant or the couple when they came out of the loo to find everyone staring at them.’ Nell laughed. ‘Anyway. Alircia again! It’s gorgeous outside. You’re looking rather pale there, Adam. You want to haul your lazy arse out of bed and get out into the sun.’ She told him the football results – I hadn’t thought to do that – and finished by saying that she was stealing me away for a while.‘I’ll look after her, and bring her back soon.’ She planted a kiss on his forehead.

Nell looked so tired as she picked up her suitcase. She had dropped everything for me, the way she had when I had been dumped all those years ago. Despite the distance that had grown between us, she was here.

She was always here without question or judgement.

‘Is there somewhere we can talk?’ she asked, and I nodded. It wasn’t only Adam we needed to discuss.

At the hotel, Nell dumped her stuff in our apartment and then we headed to the restaurant for a late lunch. The buffet tables were groaning under the weight of the food. I wandered aimlessly, empty plate in hand, not quite sure what I could stomach.

‘Go and sit,’ Nell insisted. ‘I’ll bring you over some bits to pick on.’

At the next table, a baby banged his plastic spoon on the tray of his highchair. All at once the emotion of the past few days caught up with me and I began to cry so hard, I didn’t think I’d ever stop.

‘Anna?’ Nell set the plates on the table. ‘Let’s go back to the apartment.’

‘Sorry,’ I said once I was settled on the brown chequered sofa in the open-plan living area. Nell opened the fridge, the lone ‘I love Alircia’ magnet slipping as she pulled a bottle of water from the door.

‘No need to apologize, God, I’d—’

‘It was seeing that baby.’ Fresh tears spilled. ‘I… I was pregnant.’

‘Pregnant? Wait. What? Was?’ Nell wiped my eyes with a tissue.

‘I only found out just before we came here. I was going to tell you when we got home but… but…’

‘Oh, Anna.’ Nell pulled me close to her. I allowed myself to break apart once more. It had been so hard trying to hold myself together. ‘I had no idea you were trying again.’

This made me cry harder. I used to share everything with Nell but I had lied to her. ‘We never stopped trying.’ I couldn’t look at her. I knew I would see confusion and hurt, but it was the guilt that would be on her face because she’d had two children effortlessly while I had still been trying for one, that I couldn’t bear to witness.

‘You mean… I thought… Christ, Anna. All this time? Five years?’

‘Yes.’

She was stunned, her mouth hanging open while she rummaged for words. ‘But… but then you fell pregnant. Naturally?’

‘Yes. I’d only just told Adam. What will he think when he wakes up?’

‘He’ll feel much the same as I imagine you feel right now. Devastated.’

‘What if…’ My voice was hoarse. ‘What if it was my fault?’ I covered my face.

‘Anna.’ Nell lowered my hands. ‘What happened on the yacht wasn’t your fault.’

‘I’m not talking about that.’ I was so ashamed, I couldn’t look at her. ‘I drank alcohol, Nell. We shared a bottle of Malbec a few days before I found out I was pregnant and then I had a couple of glasses of Merlot in the pub.’

‘Oh, sweetie. That wouldn’t be the cause of this. Haven’t you talked to a doctor?’

‘She said…’ I sniffed. ‘That it’s unfortunate but these things happen.’

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