Page 98 of The Life We Almost Had

‘Anna, do you want to talk?’ he asks, but I don’t reply. Anything I say would come out in a rush of anger or a rush of tears and neither would be helpful. When he said his decision was final, I knew that he meant it. There is nothing to say that we haven’t already said. If I’d thought things looked bleak before, now they are desolate.

‘Anna?’ Oliver says again, but I do not answer because he has taken all the words. He has taken all of my hope.

‘Night then.’ He slips away. Luis is dozing on a chair in the corner and I am alone once more with too much time and too many thoughts.

It is quiet. At home Adam would always be streaming Spotify. Oasis would be ‘Supersonic’, the Arctic Monkeys asking ‘Do I Wanna Know’.

Oliver has connected to Adam and seen nothing. Has all of this been only in my mind? My desire manifesting a happy marriage, a baby. Conversations flowing with kindness and respect. The trial had made me fall in love with my husband all over again but have I fallen in love with him or an ideal my mind has created? The version of a life I so desperately wanted. I close my eyes and try to recall the details of giving birth, but it doesn’t seem real.

What if it wasn’t?

But I can hear the cry of my child that I never got to hold. Never got to find out if it was a boy or a girl.

Now Oliver has said we can’t try again, I will never know.

The room, which had fallen into shadows, slips into darkness. The only glow a soft yellow lamp angled towards Adam’s bed. Luis sneezes.

‘Excuse me.’

‘Are you okay?’ I whisper. He’s been quiet today.

‘Coming down with a cold, I think.’

‘Should you be near Adam?’ I’m alarmed.

‘I think I’ll find someone to cover me. Get some rest.’

‘It’s late,’ I say. ‘Go and have a lie down in your room. I’m not going to sleep.’

‘Adam can’t be alone.’

‘He won’t be. I’m here. The alarm will sound if there’s a problem and I’ll call you if I’m worried, I promise.’

It’s a minute before he answers. ‘Okay. I’m going to crash for a couple of hours. I’ll set my alarm but come and get me if you need me in the meantime.’

He slips out of the room. My mind races.

Thirty minutes.

That’s all I am allowed to be connected to Adam for. After that time my nose streams with blood and my head throbs. What would happen if we stayed connected for an hour? Two? Three? Adam’s condition is spider-web fragile, his mind and his body, but what about mine? Would my brain cope with prolonged exposure to the tech? Or would there be no recovery for me?

Behind my eyes are spikes of tiredness but I can’t stop wondering.

What if.

What if.

What if.

Everything I need is in the next room. Oliver has demonstrated how to set it up.How it works. How to set the timer. Somewhere in the muddle of my mind, one thought burns brighter than the rest.

I could connect to Adam again. Here. Now. Before Luis comes back and Oliver comes to send me home.

Thirty minutes.

Or the rest of the night.

The rest of my life.

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