Page 109 of The Art of Loving You

‘It’s time for you to move on, Libby. Time for me to move on but I can’t do that until I know you’re safe and well. Perhaps that’s why I’m here, to make sure you—’

‘Then you’ll be sticking around as long as I do because I’m not signing the consent form for surgery—’

‘You have to.’

‘Make me,’ I challenged. I could feel the anger pulling in my veins. I wanted an argument. I would welcome one but my rage was misdirected. I wasn’t even sure who I was furious with. The world? My circumstances? Everyone? Everything? But not Jack. ‘Sorry.’

Jack gave me a sad smile. ‘You know how you’ve felt since I … left. Do you want your Mum to feel like that? Alice?’

‘I don’t care …’ I trailed off. I did care. But was it wrong if I cared about myself more? About what I wanted?

‘Libby.’ Jack crouched down before me. So close, but not close enough. He would never again be close enough. ‘You could have a good life. A life without me.’

‘I’ve had months without you and it hasn’t been good, it’s been horrible. Awful.’

‘It doesn’t mean the future will be. You have such a lot to look forward to. Finishing this house. Becoming an auntie …’

‘But none of those things means anything without you to share them with.’ He just didn’t get it.

‘You get to make a choice. You can choose to be happy.’

‘I don’t want to chose a life without you. I won’t.’

‘But it could be—’

‘I know exactly how it will be.’ It would be just like every day has been since he died.

Long.

Empty.

Hollow.

‘You don’t know how it could be, Libs. It would be a different life but not necessarily bad. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.’

‘I have—’

‘Properly tried it. And if you don’t have the op you’re being a crab.’

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. Despite Jack trying to lighten the mood I began to cry.

‘I meant shellfish—’

‘I know what you bloody well meant, Jack.’ I struggled to speak through my tears. ‘It’s my life. Mine. I get to choose, not you. You … You left me. You made your choice. Helping Noah or coming home to me and guess what? You made thewrongchoice. Oh I know things too,’ I added as I registered his confusion. ‘I know all about Noah.’

It was unfair. I could tell my words had wounded him and I was glad. The anger rising up once more.

‘Mood swings,’ Mr Baxter had said, but my resentment didn’t necessarily have anything to do with my illness. I was justified in feeling pissed off, wasn’t I?

‘I want to be with you, Jack. Properly with you. Whatever that takes,’ I said, firmly.

‘Think of your family,’ Jack implored. ‘Think of Alice’s baby.’

‘It isn’t my baby. Our baby. ’ We would never sit around the dining table coaxing them to eat vegetables so they could have chocolate ice cream.

‘You could still have all of that, Libby. A husband. Kids. A new life. A second life and I …’ His voice quivered. ‘I would know that I had always been your first love.’

‘My last—’

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