Page 38 of The Art of Loving You

Sid plucked out a black sweet before dropping it back into the bag. ‘I ain’t got much of an appetite neither, duck. It ain’t right a young ’un like that. I should have gone before Jack. If I could swap—’

‘Don’t say that,’ I said urgently. Sid may have had a bad hip, bad knees. His body might have creaked with protest when he rose slowly from sitting to standing, but he still had a zest for life. He’d made friends here, enjoyed the games they played.

We all have a right to life, don’t we? I think no matter how old we get,how frail we are, perhaps none of us ever feel ready to leave this earth and, truth was, I needed Sid. He’d become such an integral part of my life. Just sitting, hearing his breath drift down the phone line, had been more comfort to me than he could ever imagine.

‘I’ve set a date for the funeral. Sid, I don’t mind if you don’t feel up to it but Elaine, the vicar, wondered whether someone might like to say something about Jack to make it more personal. I’m not sure that I could but—’

‘Libby.’ His expression a complicated mix of pride and sadness and gratitude. ‘I’d be honoured to. Jack had so much good inside of him, so many plans—’

‘That’s the other thing we need to talk about. Jack’s plans.’ Sweat prickled under my armpits; I could be making myself homeless but it was the right thing to do. ‘I want to offer you the house back. If you can give me what we paid—’

‘I don’t—’

‘Listen. You let us buy it for less than it was worth because you wanted it used for good—’

‘It still can—’

‘I can’t, Sid.’ I lowered my face. ‘I just can’t. You could sell it for a better price. You know you could.’ I stood and circled the room. Five paces to the door. Three to the en-suite. Back to the window. I couldn’t look at Sid but I could feel him watching me. ‘It wouldn’t be the same.’ My voice was low. ‘Without him. Even if I knew where to start with it all, which I don’t.’

‘You’re forgetting, Libby, that first and foremost I wanted that place to be a home for you and Jack, the way it was for me and Norma. We’d planned to fill it with kids but that wasn’t to be. Jack wanted it become an art centre and I dunno, maybe that’s not to be either, but it’s yours, Libby. Yours to do with it what you will.Live in it. Sell it. I ain’t gonna say be happy, ’cos I know that right now you’ll feel you’ll never be happy again. Felt the same meself after I lost Norma. She was ill and I was expecting it but it didn’t make it any easier when she died in her sleep, God rest her soul, but … it will be okay, young Elizabeth. It always is and there ain’t no pressure from me but I believe you can do anything you set your mind to, although you don’t have to do anything don’t want to do.’

‘I don’t want to bury Jack, Sid.’ I sank onto the edge of the bed and covered my face with my hands while I wept. The mattress dipped as Sid sat beside me. His fingers threaded through mine, my head dropped onto his shoulder. We sat side by side, my heartbreak dampening the shoulder of his white shirt. Eventually I stopped crying. Sid pulled a handkerchief from the pocket of his cords and I dried my eyes, blew my nose. He offered me a Polo and I took one, cracking the mint between my teeth.

‘I was thinking earlier of a place in Norfolk that Jack and I went to.’

‘What about it?’

‘It was the first time Jack told me he loved me.’

‘It’s a special place, Norfolk. Norma’s family were from a little village south of Cromer.’

‘But you’re from here?’

‘I am.’

‘Where did you meet her?’ I couldn’t believe I hadn’t asked him before.

‘My dad was in the Navy, based in Norfolk. He didn’t make it through the war.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t apologise, duck. Lots didn’t. Life ain’t all beer and skittles is it?’

A memory landed in my heart; moving-in day, unpacking Sid’s surprise gift. A reminder that life wasn’t always smooth. Who’d have thought that … I exhaled, forced myself to focus on what Sid was saying. ‘Anyway there was a memorial service one year, I must have been about seventeen, and I went to pay me respects. I was on the beach, clambering over rocks when I heard this loud rip and I could feel the wind on me arse cheeks. I heard this laughter and I looked up and I couldn’t properly see her in the glare of the sun, only her shadow, but her voice was kind when she said, “I’m a seamstress, I could try repairing them if you’d like?”’

‘That was lucky.’

‘It was. It wasn’t like today where you’d chuck ’em away and go and buy a new pair. They were me only decent slacks. I climbed back up to her and when I saw her face …’ He tilted his head back, closed his eyes and smiled, still seeing her. ‘She was beautiful, like an angel. If I’d have known that, I’d never have been brave enough to speak to her. We went back to her house, well her parents’ house but they weren’t in. I had me hands covering me bum the whole of the way there, and when we got there it were her turn to be shy. “I’ll … umm … need you to …” She lowered her eyes. “Blimey, I’ve known you five minutes and you’re trying to get me trousers off,” I said. Her cheeks turned red as rhubarb and … well, that was it, really. When you know, you know, don’t you?’

‘You do.’ That life drawing class, Jack’s eyes meeting mine over his easel, both of us looking away before stealing another glance at one another. Feeling the spark of connection even then. ‘And now I’ll never feel it again … Sid, how do you bear it?’

He didn’t answer, instead simply saying, ‘It’ll be okay.’

But when I got home later there was a grubby white van parked on the driveway and it wasn’t okay at all.

Chapter Thirteen

‘Whose is that van?’ Alice asked as she manoeuvred her Mini onto my driveway.

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