Page 68 of The Art of Loving You

‘It is but one square, one room at a time.’

‘You can’t eat an elephant in one bite and all that.’

‘Yep. I rang Faith. She was Jack’s assistant; she was helping to set up the centre. She’s given me some good tips and she’s going to give me all the notes she’d made when she and Jack discussed it.’

‘Is she coming back?’

‘No. She said she’ll email them. She’s settling into her new home. Besides she told me that she and Michael are trying for a baby. Sorry, I’m oversharing.’ I was veering off track. ‘I was wondering if you’d help?’

‘Me?’

‘Yes. I didn’t mean favour as in free. I know it’s your job, I didn’t even catch what trade you are when you came round to quote the day of the funeral. Please say you’re a roofer.’

‘I’m afraid not. I’m more of a decorator. I can paint your walls but you might need a plasterer before that, but there’s no point doing that if the rain is going to leak through the tiles.’

‘Right.’ There was such a lot to do.

‘Hey, don’t looked so daunted. I didn’t mean to put you off.I’ll come and have a look round. Help you make a plan. I’m between jobs right now, I had something fall through. It’s exciting.’

‘I don’t feel excited. I feel like … like I’m trying to make amends. Do you ever feel guilty?’

‘About?’ he asked gingerly.

‘I don’t know what … how … I don’t need to know what happened to Bethany but … I wasn’t there when Jack died and yet I blame myself. Constantly.’

‘It wasn’t your fault,’ Noah said.

‘So people keep saying but he’d been out for me that day. To the chemist.’

‘Libby.’ There was such sadness in Noah’s voice as he reached out and touched my arm.

‘Is this too much? Talking about grief?’ Sometimes I wanted to keep mine contained and hidden. Other times, like now, I wanted it to spill out.

‘We can talk about whatever you want,’ Noah said.

Jack.

We talked about Jack and it was comforting.

Later we wandered back to the Co-op and bought a couple of chicken pasta salads for lunch and I drove us back to the house. That was how I always referred to it now –thehouse. I couldn’t sayourhouse and I couldn’t bear to call itmyhouse. I hoped one day to call it home.

On the doorstep, I hesitated, key in hand.

‘Are you okay?’ Noah asked.

‘Yes … It’s just …’ I couldn’t quite put it into words.

‘Just?’

I turned to face him, trying to tell him with my eyes what I couldn’t with my voice.

‘It feels strange, you bringing me back here?’ he guessed.

I nodded.

‘That’s natural, Libby. This is yours and Jack’s place.’ He understood.

‘It’s not like I’m bringing you here as a man or anything, not that you’re not a man of course, but I don’t look at you like that and—’

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