Page 99 of The Art of Loving You

‘It should have been me.’ He could barely scratch out those words.Still I couldn’t speak but I nodded. Yes. Yes it should have been anyone except Jack.

‘It all happened so quickly,’ he began in a low voice. ‘I was cutting through the alley when I heard footsteps behind me. I was shoved into the wall. My head hit the brick and … and I remember blood trickling down my face. He … Kenny, I found out his name from the newspaper later, he stood blocking the sun, his shadow … I felt … cold. I remember that more than anything else. Feeling cold.’

I wrapped my arms around myself as I listened. I couldn’t envisage ever feeling warm again.

‘Suddenly Jack was there. He asked me if I was okay. He had a bottle of something tucked under his arm and was holding a box of Lemsip. He offered me his other hand to help me up and he pulled me to my feet. It …’ Noah huffed out a stream of air. ‘The knife … I hadn’t seen it before but it glinted in the sun. Kenny asked for our wallets and phones in this really calm, really cruel voice. Jack handed his over and I was just getting my phone out of my pocket when there was a bang, a car backfiring. Kenny turned around and Jack said to run, so we did. I … Jack’s footsteps were right behind me –right behind me– I wouldn’t have left him, I swear, but then I heard a shout. I stopped and turned and Kenny, he … he had Jack and I could see … the blade. I screamed at him and ran back towards them to help Jack but before I could reach them … Jack went down. The bottle smashed as it hit the floor. Kenny looked … he looked scared. I chased him. He ran towards the other end of the alley and before I could grab him he … he ran right into he road. I … I chased him right into the road.’

Noah took a second. ‘There was a screech of brakes. A thud. People came streaming from the shops to help. Somebody heard Jack call for help and I thought … I thought if he was conscious,talking, he’d be okay. I … didn’t know he’d been stabbed. I … wasn’t thinking straight. All I could see was Kenny running in front of the car. I could hear the sickening noise of the car hitting Kenny. I … I turned back and someone was with Jack and I just … left.’ This time he met my eye. ‘I will be ashamed of that until the day I die.’

‘He never told me … about you,’ I said, but Jack had been in shock too. Scarcely speaking.

‘I waited for the police to knock on the door. For them to appeal for witnesses. I felt like a murderer but Kenny was dead, an accident the paper called it, and that seemed to be the end of it.’

The end of Jack.

I saw it all unfold in front of my eyes. My beautiful selfless Jack stepping in to help out while all the time I was at home with Alice.

Laughing.

Texting him that he was taking too long.

‘You’re needed here. I’m dying!’

No wonder he didn’t tell me. He hadn’t wanted to talk about it and he hadn’t needed to. Kenny was dead, Jack’s things had been recovered and the nurse had assured us he would be fine.

‘When I heard about Jack’s death on the news, I was heartbroken. I came to your house to tell you my part in it but I didn’t know it was the day of the funeral and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t …’

‘You’re a coward.’ I would not feel sorry for him. He wasn’t the victim here. Jack was.

‘I am sorry, Libby.’

‘It’s not enough. If it wasn’t for you …’ I left the rest of my sentence unspoken but he knew. ‘So you sought me out to appease your guilt.’

‘No. I didn’t.’

‘How could you have pretended to be my friend? I told you things I haven’t told anyone else.’

‘I am your friend.’

‘You’re not! It was a lie. All of it. How could you do that to me? Pretending to want to help. Taking Liam under your wing. Acting like you’re a good person. You are NOT a good person.’

‘I am. I wanted to help and I—’

‘Thought you’d lie your way into my life.’

‘I never planned to. I swear. I came here to pay my respects to Jack and you were already here and … You wanted to talk and I wanted to offer you some comfort.’

‘And you thought making up a dead sister—’

‘It wasn’t cold or calculated, it was … Bethany was my hero. I idolised her. Growing up we were inseparable. Our parents were religious. Strict. But Bethany always found a way to have fun. She loved life. She … she had an affair with one of the church congregation. He was thirty years older than her and married with kids. My parents disowned her immediately but she didn’t care. Her lover left his wife and they moved up north. I never saw her again. Mum never recovered from Bethany leaving and then, ironically, Dad ran off with a woman twenty years younger. I don’t know where my sister is. It felt … it feels like such a loss.’

‘Itisn’tthe same thing.’ I was furious he thought the two things were comparable.

‘I know.’

‘You don’t or you wouldn’t say something so bloody insensitive.Youget a choice.Youcan track her down. Make up. Ignore her for the rest of your life. Choices I don’t get to make any more because … because …’ Noah reached out and touched my arm.Angrily, I shook him off.

‘You know what, Noah? I don’t really care.’

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