Page 104 of From Now On

‘We’re not talking about him, we’re talking about you,’ Charlie says.

‘We need to talk about him if you seriously think—’

‘There’s nothing to say. I nearly died and Dad… he ran away.’ His eyes meet Bo’s and Charlie can feel the anguish in his, the throb behind them.

‘Oh, Charlie. Your dad was an alcoholic, not because of Mum and not because of you.’

There’s a long stretch. Charlie knows they should be talking about the future and yet it is the past that has defined him. Bo is his only link to that.This might be the only chance to rake through it.

‘I told my dad I loved him,’ Charlie whispers. ‘That was the last thing I said to him. That was the last time I ever said that to anyone because what does it mean? Nothing.’

‘Everything,’ Bo says gently. ‘If “I love you” are the last words you ever hear from a person then you can rest easy that you’ve given meaning to their live. Purpose. Whatever choices he went on to make after that are on him, not you. It wasn’t your fault.’

‘Do you think? All this time…’ Charlie’s tears leak down his cheeks, Bo’s thumb wipes them away. ‘I thought I wasn’t enough. That… I wasn’t worth staying for. I always felt such shame that I was so… so unlovable that he…’ he covers his face with his hands. Can feel his body tearing in two with the force of the release of years of pent-up sorrow.

Eventually, Charlie roughly wipes his face with his sleeve. Although he is sad and angry he also feels more at peace than he has done for a long time.

‘There’s so much to sort out. You and Mum have recently both been declared dead. Your life insurance has just paid out and the mortgage is in the process of being paid off. I guess we’ll have to pay it all back somehow.’

‘Perhaps—’ Bo readjusts his weight and it’s only a slight shift but Charlie notices the distance that has opened up between them ‘—it’s… easier, cleaner, if I don’t come home.’

‘What? You must. Don’t do this to Nina and Duke. Don’t let them feel that they weren’t enough to keep you. Don’t let them feel the way I’ve felt all of these years.’

‘They would only think that if they knew I was alive.’

Bo’s words hang before Charlie bats them away. ‘You can’t expect me to keep something like this a secret?From them? From everyone? It’s not only immoral. It’s illegal. Bo…’ Charlie leans forward. ‘If you’ve ever loved me.Pleasedon’t put me in that position.’

There’s a beat. Charlie feels his heart hammering in his chest while he waits.

Bo nods. ‘I won’t put you in that position, Charlie lad. Where are you staying?’

‘A B & B near the harbour. It’s about a half hour walk. I’ve got the car there.’

‘Go and get the car. I’m going to walk up to the Cliff Top Café – it’s where I’ve been sleeping rough – my things are all there. Don’t wake Nina. Just fetch the car and come and meet me there.’

‘I can walk up with you and—’

‘It’s not far—’

‘Or you could come to the B & B and—’

‘Charlie.’ Bo stands and brushes the sand from his jeans. ‘It’s better this way.’ He pulls him into a hug. ‘I love you all. I know I haven’t acted like it but… I’m going to fix it. Everything.’

‘Okay.’ Charlie isn’t happy they aren’t staying together but he doesn’t want to upset the fragile equilibrium. ‘I’ll be with you in about half an hour. Don’t…’Run away. Disappear. Leave us.

‘I love you, Charlie lad.’ Bo covers his heart with his chest before he turns and walks away.

A stitch burns in Charlie’s side as he jogs back to the B & B.

His fingers are trembling as he starts the car. He begins to back out of the driveway but his anxious foot presses too hard on the accelerator.There’s the blare of a horn, a squeal of brakes. Charlie waves an apology and edges forward to let the car pass.

He sets off at a slower pace, through the town, past the pubs, the smokers huddled under infra-red heat lamps. The chippy with the snaking queue. The couples sitting on the harbour wall, holding hands. He shifts down a gear as he begins the ascent to the Cliff Top Café. Headlights sweeping the blackness. He parks the car at the top, leaves the engine running and the lights on.

‘Bo?’ He jogs over to the empty shell of the building where he had spent so much time when he was at Colesby Bay as a teenager. He steps inside, his feet crunching on broken glass. The windows have been smashed and there are patches in the roof where he can see the sky. Moonlight pushes its creamy light inside and Charlie sees the counter where he’d push a tower of teetering coins towards Jenny, his favourite waitress, who would tell him to choose either a yellow, blue or red straw while she levered the lid from a bottle of Coke.

Red, he always chose red.

The inconsequential details suddenly feel important.

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