Page 114 of From Now On

Maeve approaches her now. The sight of her causes Nina’s breath to catch in her throat. The sun illuminates the gold streaks in Maeve’s hair, a halo-type glow around her head. For a moment Nina is caught between past and present, unable to anchor herself in either. Her mind’s eye seeing Maeve, pigtails bouncing, grinning a gap-toothed grin as she raced up to her in the playground.The joy she felt when she was five years old mirrors the joy she feels now.

It’ll be okay.

Maeve settles herself on the bench next to Nina, but not close enough. There is no touch of their thighs, no brushing of shoulders. They don’t speak. Time blurs as they watch the clouds drift. Once they’d have pointed out images, the dragon with outstretched wings, the pig with a curly tail. Once, everything wouldn’t have felt so… awkward.

‘I’m sorry,’ Nina says at last, and she is. Sorry for everything. All of it.

‘I had no idea.’ Maeve can’t quite look her in the eye, her lashes downcast. ‘When you kissed me—’

‘Can we just forget it ever happened?’

‘I don’t think we can, Nina. No.’

Nina feels the tears swimming in her eyes. The skin on her arms itches to be scratched but this time she knows the hurt she caused on the outside can never outweigh the hurt she feels on the inside. She clenches her hands into fists, digging her nails into her palms in an effort to prevent her clawing at her skin anyway.

‘You were drunk. Did you kiss me because you were drunk?’

Nina is unsure what to do, what to say. Maeve is handing her a get-out-of-jail-free card but she’s hesitant to take it. She has a choice, to explain her clumsy advance as a moment of madness, one caused by too much alcohol and too much emotion. She can say that she was trying to block out the thought that her dad might be alive but choosing not to come home. She can say all of these things and more, of course, but she’s been denying part of who she is for such a long time now she’s not sure she can continue to,but if living as her true authentic self causes an irreparable tear in her relationship with Maeve, is that a chance she is willing to take?

‘I did kiss you because I was drunk.’ Nina stares at a dandelion puffball blowing in the breeze. She wants to pluck it from the ground, blow away the seeds and make a wish to turn back time. To travel to before that awkward night in Maeve’s kitchen. No, before that. To New Year’s Eve where, at least if her parents were still leaving, she would have kissed them goodbye. Goodbyes are important. ‘But only because I wasn’t brave enough to kiss you when I was sober.’

‘I thought you fancied my dad.’

‘Sean? Why?’

‘You just seemed different round him. Weird.’

‘I wanted him to see me in a different light. Not as a child he’d known since I was five but as a woman. As a prospective partner for you. If you can’t be friends with me anymore, Maeve, I understand but… I promise I won’t do it again. Can we… Can you try to forget it ever happened?’

Nina shoves her hand between her knees and crosses her fingers.

Don’t let this be goodbye.

It takes an age for Maeve to speak, and when she does she says,

‘I don’t want to forget it, Nina, because…’ There’s a breaking of Maeve’s voice. Nina waits while her friend gathers her composure, hardly daring to breathe. ‘Because… because I think I might feel the same.’

Nina inhales sharply. Could it… could it possibly be true? Maeve’s despairing eyes meet hers and Nina wonders whether she should just tell Maeve they should forget what they think they feel, spare her the pain their situation is so obviously causing her.

‘How long… how long have you known, that you’re…’ Maeve sweeps a tear from her cheek.

‘Gay? I think somehow I’ve always known. I’ve never felt… anything else. But I guess I knew for sure that night we sneaked out and went on a double date with Ryan and Lenny. When he walked me home he kissed me and I… I slapped him.’

‘You hit Ryan?’

‘It was instinctive. I didn’t think. It felt so wrong. Not just because he was the wrong boy but… but because hewasa boy. I told him I’d never fancy him but I couldn’t tell him why. I couldn’t tell you why. I thought you’d look at me differently. Wonder if I fancied you, which I did of course but… It was a real turning point for me. That night.’

‘Poor Ryan.’

‘I know. He was… nice. He said he wouldn’t tell anyone I’d slapped him; he was worried it would make him seem repulsive, and I said he could tell Lenny we’d kissed because… that’s what boys and girls on dates do, isn’t it?’

Maeve gently lifts Nina’s arm and traces the scars with her fingertip. Every nerve ending in Nina’s body tingles with anticipation, a desperate hope swelling inside of her. Maeve lowers her head, her mouth brushing Nina’s skin.

Nina holds her breath, waiting. Wanting.

Maeve lowers Nina’s arms and takes both of her hands.

‘What happens now?’ Nina asks.

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