Page 14 of From Now On

‘That doesn’t make it hurt less.’

‘No. But it didn’t come as a terrible shock though. Not like… this.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he says again, his eyes conveying that he isn’t just apologising for her grandma but for everything. All of it. Her eyes hold his, telling him that she understands.

But does she forgive?

‘It’s late,’ she says, although it’s only ten o’clock. It has seemed an interminable day and part of him hopes it never ends because, if it does, he has to wake up tomorrow and live it all again. The shock, the sorrow, the worry. A Groundhog Day of grief.

What is he going to do?

He walks Pippa to the door.

‘I’ll come back in the morning and help you with breakfast.’ She pulls him into a hug.

Her kindness causes tears to form behind his eyes. After giving her a gentle squeeze he pulls away. He cannot fall apart. Pippa wends her way down his garden path, and then her own, not running like she used to when they were six, pigtails bouncing, gap-toothed grin wide.

When she is safely inside, he heads back into the kitchen and pours himself a large measure of Bo’s whisky, raising the glass to his lips, salivating at the smell, before he changes his mind, tipping it down the sink.

He cannot fall apart. Not today. Not now.

In the lounge, he collapses onto the sofa. Billie jumps up and lies next to him, her head on his stomach. Rhythmically he strokes her, dislodging the particles of dried sand imbedded in her fur from her roll on the beach. Smelling of damp, she gazes at him, trustingly, until her eyelids droop and she begins to softly snore,oblivious to the fact that her life has also changed immeasurably.

He takes out his phone and calls Sasha. She picks up on the fifth ring. He can hear music in the background, chatter.

Laughter.

‘Just a sec,’ she says. Charlie waits until she is somewhere quieter.

‘You went to Simon’s then?’ Charlie had forgotten about the New Year’s Day party. London seems a world away.

‘Yes. I was sitting in the flat driving myself crazy thinking about you, the meeting tomorrow about New York. What I’ll do if I don’t get the transfer when you have yours. Sorry, this isn’t what you want to be talking about right now. I… I’m not sure what to say to you.’

‘There’s nothing you can say. Have you told everyone about… you know?’

‘I’ve told everyone you’re sick. I wasn’t sure if… How are you anyway?’

‘Tired. Sad.’ Small words but he can’t describe the enormity of the emotions that sweep through him on a loop from his head to his toes, making his scalp tight and his body hot.

‘And the children?’

‘Nina is angry. Duke hasn’t cried yet and that’s a worry but… I don’t know. It’s such a shock.’

‘It’s… they seemed like lovely people, your parents. I am so sorry, Charlie. I wish I’d stayed with you. It was all such a rush.’

‘That’s okay. I insisted you left. The meeting is important. There’s no point both of us taking time off work. You’ve a pile of manuscripts to read.’

‘Yes. Back to normal in the morning.’

But Charlie can’t ever imagine anything feeling normal again. He hears someone call Sasha’s name in the background.

‘I’ve got to go. I’ll call you later,’ she says.

‘I’m going to crash. Let’s catch up tomorrow.’

‘Okay. Do you know when you’ll be home?’ she asks but Charlie doesn’t know where home is now.

Nina. Duke. Billie. Somebody has to take care of them, but it doesn’t have to be him, does it?

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