Page 21 of From Now On

‘Wow.’ Sasha shields her eyes from the bright winter sunshine as she drinks in the brown, yellow and deep green patchwork fields sprawling below them, stretching as far as they could see. ‘You don’t get this in London. It’s beautiful.’

It is. The perfect backdrop. He still carries the ring box in his pocket;if he pulls it out now, the diamonds will sparkle in the sun, but it’s not the right time.

It never seems to be the right time.

Charlie pulls her to him and hugs her tightly, her hair blows against his face and just for a moment he imagines he is invisible.

‘So,’ Sasha says when Charlie has released her. She sits cross-legged on the grass and pats the space next to him. ‘What next?’

‘Tea, I suppose when we get back; we’ve had a cooked lunch so an egg sandwich—’

‘I wasn’t talking about today, Charlie.’

‘I know.’

She waits for him to speak but he doesn’t know what to say.

‘I’ve had my transfer confirmed for February,’ she says quietly.

New York always seemed so far away but now the distance is immense. It’s not just oceans he would have to cross to get there but grief, guilt.

‘Our five-year plan.’ She slips her hand into his.

‘Our five-year plan.’ They’d both known what they’d wanted. Building their respective careers in London, purposefully choosing a publisher and an agency that also had New York offices. They’d marry – that remains unspoken but acknowledged it would happen before they returned to the UK by which time they’d have enough of a nest egg to invest in property. They have it all figured out.

Had.

‘Simon wants you to phone him and confirm you’re definitely still going.’

‘How can I go?’

‘How can you stay? A change of scene—’

‘Don’t. Just don’t. It’s not just me, is it? There’s Nina and Duke.’ He rips a handful of grass from its roots before allowing it to slip through his fingers along with his ambition and his dreams.He feels his throat closing, the space growing smaller. He is shrinking too, his life, his hope.

‘I bought them the mobiles so you can video call. Keep in regular contact. They’re lovely kids,’ Sasha says. ‘But we never—’

She doesn’t finish but he knows. Children aren’t part of their five-year plan; they’d come later, if ever. Charlie needs to tell Sasha the truth about his own childhood before they make any decisions and he’s had ample time to do that but hasn’t been able to find the right words. And now here they are, discussing children, only nottheirchildren.

‘Surely you’re not expected to raise them?’ she asks.

But there’s no one left to expect anything from him and that in itself is the problem. Charlie is the adult now although he does not feel it.

He had made a promise and he endlessly replays the memory, searching for hidden meanings.

‘Look after them for me, won’t you?’ Mum had whispered. ‘And look after yourself too.’

‘I promise.’ He had crossed his chest with his finger.

Had she known then that she wouldn’t be back? It was ludicrous to think that she had and yet she had looked at him so earnestly, so intently.

Look after yourself too.

If he looks after himself it means going to New York. If he looks after Duke and Nina he would have to stay here. He had unknowingly made two promises and only one of them would be possible to keep.

‘If I don’t—’ he clears his throat ‘—then… who?’

‘There must be someone else? A relative?’

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