Page 34 of From Now On

Should it always feel like that or does time naturally wear the sharp edges of attraction down to a dullish blade?

Is the indecision he feels over leaving Nina and Duke partly because, deep down, he feels indecisive about Sasha?

His mum and Bo were always touching, kissing. Laughing. He’d never heard them base anything on a five-year plan.

His relationship with Sasha has been centred around them wanting the same things but what if he wants something different now? What then?

‘You haven’t changed your mind, have you?’ Sasha asks.

‘No. It’s just… the children. What if we—’

‘Exactly.Thechildren. Notourchildren. Charlie, there will always be a place for Nina and Duke in our lives.They can come and visit when we’re settled and we can see them when we get back but I don’t… I don’t want to be their mother.’

‘I’m not asking you to be.’ He leans forward. ‘You can just be their friend. You got on well with Nina, doing her make-up—’

‘That was a one-off, Charlie. Not a lifetime.’

‘It wouldn’t be a lifetime. Nina will be off to uni in three years, Duke will be—’

‘Always dependent on you. If you go back, they will bothalwaysbe dependent on you.’

‘As an older brother, perhaps they’ll turn to me for advice but I’m not their father.’

‘But if you take on that role you would be, Charlie. Don’t you see?’ She takes his hand but he finds no comfort in it. ‘And it’s very commendable but it’s not… not what I want. We’ve talked about this so many times. I want New York.’

‘With or without me?’

There’s a long silence. Charlie thinks of that ring in his pocket. The glittering diamond he thought was a substitute for those three words he can’t say. He can’t even say them now. He could pull out the box. Offer it to her now. Offer her everything.

But he doesn’t.

‘With or without you,’ she says eventually, but not easily. Charlie sees the pain etch into her face. Feels it.

Part of him falls away. The part that thought he could be happy and in its place is an unutterable sadness.

‘You want me to choose between you and my brother and sister?’

‘You want me to choose between you and my career?’

Again, they both shuffle that little bit further apart. The space in the bed widening between them.There’s a cold stretch of sheet in the middle of them now, where their bodies were once pressed together.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says.

‘Me too. I wasn’t expecting… this. But… sometimes I think I don’t really know you. Not really.’ She trails her fingertip over the scar on his wrist.

She has never asked him about it. She doesn’t ask him anything now but he’s a musician. He understands the meaning behind the words, the beats of silence. She never really wanted to know about his past because their future was all mapped out. If he rips that map in two now what is he left with?

‘I’ll be okay when I’m there.’ He forces a smile.

‘You’re coming?’ Her face lights up.

‘Of course.’

She covers him in kisses, his neck, his shoulders. She dips her head lower and he gently places his hands on her cheeks and guides her mouth back to his. A perfunctory peck and then, ‘We need to get moving, the Uber will be here soon.’

In the shower Charlie lathers his hair with the last of the shampoo before he watches the suds drain down the plughole, hoping they will suck his doubts and fears away too but long after he is dried and dressed they still linger.

Does he want to stay for Nina and Duke, or does he want to stay so he doesn’t have to be with Sasha?

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