Page 56 of From Now On

Charlie pulls out the chair opposite to Violet’s and studies her while she sits. He expects to see anger on her face, confrontation at the very least, but instead she looks tired, broken, but his resolve doesn’t weaken. He feels the surge of adrenaline prickle under his skin. This is the way he feels in his business before a negotiation. In control, confident of the facts.

‘After speaking to you this morning I caught the train to London. I haven’t been back long. I spoke to a solicitor.’ He watches the surprise register and gives her a second to absorb this before he follows it up with, ‘Obviously the fact that Duke has run away under your care will strengthen my case now but I wanted to see if it was possible for me to adopt Duke and Nina. She told me that would be too confusing for them having a brother who is also their father. Instead, she’s advised me to apply for Special Guardianship. That way—’

‘You have parental rights.’

‘Yes. And Nina and Duke have some stability.’

‘They have stability with me.’

‘But they’re not happy.’

‘They’re not happy because their parents have died, Charlie.’

‘I’ve lost my parents too,’ he says.

Violet’s fingers stretch before she curls them into balls as though stopping herself reaching across the table to comfort him.

‘Charlie, you wanting Nina and Duke could be a reaction to your grief—’

‘It isn’t.’

‘And then if you change your mind—’

‘I won’t.’

‘If this is just about the house we don’t have to sell—’

‘It’s not. It’s about Nina and Duke and… and about me too. All of us.’

This time it is Charlie who reaches across the table. He takes Aunt Violet’s shaking hands in his own. ‘Tell me why you want them,’ he says.

‘Because—’ her eyes fill with tears. ‘Because I just couldn’t bear another regret.’

Charlie doesn’t try to fill the silence. He knows she has more to say and so he waits.

‘Me and Ronnie. We were very different.’ She doesn’t have to tell Charlie this as she sits there in her sensible work suit and her lace-up shoes. ‘But I always felt such a responsibility towards her, being the eldest. She was always the favourite and… I don’t know, I think I felt a certain amount of resentment when Mum and Dad moved abroad all these years ago, as though I was expected to look after her.’ She pulls out a tissue from her bag although she isn’t crying. ‘When she fell in love with your dad… I knew it would all end in tears. I told her. Itoldher he’d bring heartache and he did. Over and over. So many times I picked up the pieces and so many times she went back to him.I was emotionally exhausted. My own relationships never worked out because Ronnie always came first. Whenever she had another crisis, I’d drop everything and be by her side.’

‘Is that why you never had a family of your own?’ Charlie asks.

‘Yes. No. I don’t know. Maybe she was an excuse. I’ve never felt that maternal pull that women talk about.’

Charlie lodges this in his mind to bring up later if needed.

‘When Ronnie finally left your dad I thought things would be calmer. I could put myself first but then… You…’ Her eyes flicker towards the scars on Charlie’s wrist and he feels them burn in response. ‘I hated him.Hated. It was me who gave her the money, you know, to spend the summer in Cornwall to give you both a break but then she met Bo and I… I was furious. I didn’t think she’d want another relationship again. Let alone with a deadbeat musician.’

‘He was a good man.’ Charlie knows the difference between a good one and a bad one. ‘And he loved Mum.’

‘I know. He adored her and she him but all I could see was more drama. He was so desperate to make a living out of music and I thought he’d run off and leave her to follow his dreams and I’d be left to pick up the pieces again. We fought terribly. All the time. I gave her an ultimatum, him or me, and she chose—’

‘Love,’ says Charlie. He recognizes that choice; he had faced it himself once many years before and had turned away from it. He too knew all about regrets. ‘He had the chance to make it, you know. Marty from the band told me. He was offered a job with a touring band, which would have led to huge things but he chose Mum.’

‘He chose love.’ Violet is crying. ‘And they were devoted to each other,weren’t they? I wish I could turn the clock back. I’ve missed her. I’ve missed my sister.’

Charlie fetches a glass of water. Stands behind Violet with an awkward hand on her back until her shaking sobs subside.

‘I don’t want to lose Nina and Duke. I want a relationship with them.’ She blows her nose, distraught.

‘They don’t have to live with you for you to have a relationship with them,’ Charlie says gently. He has misjudged Aunt Violet. They all have.

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