Page 87 of From Now On

She fumbles around for something intelligent to say but as she watches him crack eggs into a bowl she’s overcome with emotion and a small, anguished cry escapes her throat.

‘Nina?’ Sean wipes his hands on his jeans and rushes to her side.

‘Sorry. It’s just… the way you cracked eggs. My dad used to do it that way too, just using one hand. I’ve never seen anyone else do that. Sorry.’

She’s embarrassed at her falling tears and annoyed that even now, five months later, the most unexpected gesture can cause a wave of grief to crash over her. Sean pulls her into a hug and she rests her cheek against his chest, feeling the beating of his heart, wondering again what he would think if he knew what was in hers. Discreetly she tries to wipe away her tears, hoping that her carefully applied eyeliner isn’t streaking down her face.

‘Nina?’ It is Maeve’s voice now, questioning.

‘Sorry.’ She pulls back from Sean. ‘I was just having a moment.’

‘My cooking’s enough to reduce anyone to tears, isn’t it?’ Sean says.

Maeve rolls her eyes and Nina wants to tell her that she shouldn’t do that. She shouldn’t be irritated by her dad because one day he might not be here. She’s snivelling again. She slides from the stool and tells them she’s going to the bathroom.

‘See you in my room, yeah?’ Maeve calls after her.

Once Nina has repaired her face, she finds Maeve cross-legged on her bed,picking at the skin around her fingers. She raises her head as Nina flops down beside her.

‘Did you want to go out?’

‘No.’

‘You’re all dressed up. Aren’t you bored of hanging around here all the time?’

There’s nowhere else Nina would rather be than here, in this house, but she doesn’t share that. Instead she says,

‘I’ve got something for us,’ as she lifts a bottle of stolen vodka from her bag and sloshes some into two of the empty mugs that litter Maeve’s dressing table. Nina knocks hers back, her throat burning as the alcohol slides down, washing away the rawness from the angry words she had hurled at Charlie. She slugs another generous measure into her mug wanting to forget about her brother altogether. Needing Dutch courage for what lies ahead later that night if she gets the opportunity, of course.

‘Anything you want to tell me?’ Maeve asks.

‘Umm. No. What?’ Maddeningly, Nina feels herself blushing again. Is Maeve wondering why she chose to stay downstairs with Sean rather than come upstairs to find her?

‘You’re knocking it back a bit?’

Somehow Nina finds herself pouring her third drink; Maeve has barely touched hers.

‘I think I’ve found my dad,’ Nina blurts out. Having made the decision to finally tell someone earlier she can’t keep it inside anymore. She opens YouTube on her phone and passes it to her best friend. Nina studies her as she watches the clip, her face inscrutable.

‘It could be anyone?’ Maeve says after she has played it through several times. ‘The coastguard said there’s no way anyone could have survived.’

‘But what if thisishim? What if he hit his head on a rock and has amnesia and doesn’t know who he is?’ Nina again feels the burn of vodka as it hits her stomach.

‘That seems a little unlikely. Surely if you don’t know who you are you’d go to the police and they’d figure it out? Nina, you have to let this go.’

‘But…’ Nina passes the phone back to Maeve. ‘Look again. You’ve known Dad for ten years. You know his stance.’

‘He’s blurry and out of focus. Sorry, Nina. I don’t think this is him. Didn’t you say it’s normal to think you see someone after they die?’

‘Yeah. Sixty per cent of people do, according to Google, but this isn’t imagined. He’s right here.’ She taps her phone screen with her nail. ‘He’shere. And… and maybe if he survived then Mum did too.’

‘What does Charlie think?’

‘Charlie’s an arse.’ Nina drinks straight out of the bottle now. The room is beginning to sway. She wishes she had eaten something.

Annoyed that Maeve doesn’t believe her she changes the subject. For the next couple of hours, they chat about nothing, the way Darren McKay asked out Sophie Clarke. Laugh that, despite nominating her for an award, Miss Rudd still can’t look Nina in the eye since she saw her boobs.

Nina drains her drink.

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