Page 98 of From Now On

He watches the way the guitarist raises the neck of the instrument.

It might be him?

It can’t be. Logically. Rationally. Statistically. It cannot be him.

‘I’d convinced myself he was alive because I so badly wanted him to be. I went to see Alan the coastguard, and he said… Oh, first I met this waitress in a café. She’d heard about it… Them… She said. She…’ Nina is hiccupping her words out.

‘Shh.’

Charlie puts an arm around her and she rests her head on his shoulder. ‘It’s like losing him all over again,’ she whispers. ‘I believed it was him because I wanted to believe but it isn’t. I feel so stupid. So alone.’

‘You’re neither of those things, Nina,’ Charlie says with conviction. ‘I’m here. Will always be here. I promise.’

There’s a tap on the door. When Charlie opens it he is greeted by a waft of tomato soup.

‘Thanks so much.’ He takes the tray and carries it over to the small round table by the window. Nina perches on one rickety chair and he takes the other.

The bread is crusty and white and Charlie dips it into his bowl until it’s soft and orangey. He pops it onto his tongue and a memory comes.Him at thirteen, in bed with tonsillitis, feeling miserable because it was the end-of-term disco and he’d wanted to go with Pippa. David Ashton had been staring at her across the classroom during maths and flicking elastic bands at her when the teacher wasn’t looking. Charlie knew this meant he fancied her. If Charlie had been at the disco then he and Pippa would have stayed together, laughing at the teachers, the music, thinking they were too cool for it all. Without him there, Charlie had worried Pippa might kiss David and he felt a twist of jealousy. That was the first time he remembers his feelings for her changing from best friend to something else, something more.

Mum had brought him his lunch in bed – Heinz tomato soup and bread – and to this day it always tastes of comfort to him. Of being loved. Looked after.

Lost in thought, Charlie has almost emptied his bowl. He nods towards the plate and Nina shakes her head so he reaches for the last piece of the bread.

‘What happened to your hand?’ Nina touches his knuckles with a light fingertip.

‘I just… I’m an idiot. Clumsy.’ He rips off the crust and pops it into his mouth and makes a show of chewing so he doesn’t have to talk.

When he’s finished, he says slowly, tentatively, ‘Nina. What happened last night? At Maeve’s? I know something did. I went there looking for you this morning.’

‘Oh God.’ Nina looks at him with horror. With embarrassment. ‘I’m such a fool.’ She begins to cry. ‘I thought it was love. I… I still think it’s love. But it… it… Charlie, ithurts.’

Charlie reaches out across the table to comfort her, his beautiful, brilliant sister. All along he had thought that he was the brave one.Giving up his London life, his career. Sacrificing everything to move back to a house that held both the best and the worst memories. Dealing with the practicalities with stoicism, never letting his stiff upper lip tremble. He’s spent years closed off to his feelings, going through the motions, mistaking what he had with Sasha for enough. It wasn’t enough to be treading the same corporate path, to want the same things, and when he actually felt something real and solid and sustainable with Pippa, he pushed her away, keeping his heart safe. Since his dad had fled when he had needed him the most, his past has consisted of a hundred excuses why he couldn’t allow himself to fully love and recently he has created a hundred more. If he’s honest, his previous inability to commit to Pippa wasn’t just because he has convinced himself that Nina and Duke will be against him having another girlfriend but borne out of fear. Fear of feeling like… like Nina feels now.

‘Here.’ He hands her the box of tissues from the windowsill. She plucks out one and blows her nose.

He could have told Nina and Duke about Pippa before now but he had chosen not to. Made excuses. Meanwhile, Nina has purposefully made herself vulnerable, opened herself to potential rejection. That takes real courage. He watches her now, wiping her streaming eyes, her tender heart beating sadly on her sleeve, and knows that she is far stronger than he.

Love is a risk and it has taken his fifteen-year-old sister to show him that sometimes you have to take a chance, make a leap of faith. Jump and hope that open arms will catch you. Love is potential and faith and pleasure and pain. It is all of those things and so much more.

Charlie doesn’t quite know what to say to her now but she is waiting for him to speak. He doesn’t want to tell her that the man she thinks she loves never wants to see her again.He doesn’t want to lecture her about the age gap, the inappropriateness of the idea that a forty-year-old man could be with a schoolgirl. He sees the enormity of her emotions and he doesn’t want to belittle them.

Instead, he takes both of her hands in his.

‘I know your feelings for Sean are—’

‘Sean?’ Nina screws her face, confused. ‘You think I… Sean? It’s Maeve. I loveMaeve, Charlie, and I’ve ruinedeverything.’

Chapter Forty-Six

Nina

Speaking of her love for Maeve gives it a weight. A form. Nina watches as it flutters around the room before it settles onto the table among the crumbs. She can almost reach out her hand and touch it. Releasing it from her chest where it has been a heavy load has brought her a momentary lightness but, as she waits for Charlie to digest her words, to speak, the pressure builds once more.

She tries to pull her hands back from Charlie’s, but he tightens his grip, his palms slick around her fingers.

‘So…’ he glances at the puddle of sunshine that now streams in from the window. Despite the warmth, magnified by the glass, Nina feels cold as she waits for his words, for his judgement.

Why can’t he look at her?

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