Page 99 of From Now On

‘Charlie? Say something?’

‘You… you and Maeve?’ His voice is an octave higher than usual.

‘You’re disappointed. Ashamed.’ She snatches away her hands.

‘Nina… I’m… relieved,’ he says gently, leaning forward, stretching out his arms and turning his palms upwards.

‘Relieved?’ She places her hands back inside of his. Feels his fingers curl around hers.

‘I thought you were… Sean.’

‘Sean?’ Nina’s disgust wrinkles her nose. ‘He’s ancient. Why would you think that?’

Now it is Charlie who looks unsure, embarrassed. ‘Because after the memorial I found that piece of paper in your room where you’d practised your signature as Nina Kelly – Sean’s name.’

‘Maeve’s name.’ Will he understand? She needs an ally. A friend. A brother. He doesn’t know her well – this is apparent from his suspicion about her and Sean – but she can tell he wants to deepen their relationship when he asks,

‘Tell me everything then. You and Maeve.’

‘You really want to hear? You’re not… not…’

‘We do have lesbians in London, you know.’

‘Charlie!’

Nina doesn’t quite know how to explain it all, how to figure it out, but she thinks perhaps if she talks about it, they can figure it out together.

‘It started when…’ The memories jostle and tumble inside of Nina’s mind, trying to rearrange themselves into an order that makes sense. ‘It started when I snuck out of the house late one night for a double date with Maeve and Ryan and Lenny. I got dressed up and was so excited but I realized as I ran towards out to the meeting point that I couldn’t care less about Ryan; the person I was excited to see, the person I’d got ready for, was Maeve. I remember how much it hurt when I got there to find Lenny’s arms around her. I was… jealous. I wanted to be the one holding her.’ Nina remembers this moment with clarity.

‘But you didn’t tell her?’

‘I couldn’t. I… we’ve both grown up together and sometimes I look at her and… it’s not always easy to look past the five-year-old girl to see the woman.’ Nina pauses. ‘Yeah, I think I needed to know she was seeing me for who I’d become. Sean too. It was important to me he saw me as an adult, someone responsible who could hold an intelligent conversation, a suitable partner for his daughter, not a stupid girl with a crush.’

‘It must have been hard to keep your feelings to yourself.’

‘Almost impossible. Sometimes our hands would brush against each other and I’d feel this jolt and I’d look at her and think “You must have felt that too.” How is it possible she didn’t? But then I’d think what are the chances of her being gay as well, but I thought… or perhaps I hoped, she might be, but there was definitely a shift in our relationship. I dunno. It happened gradually. Things felt different between us. Zingy, you know?’

Charlie nods. ‘I know how zingy feels.’

‘I began to think how crazy would it be if Maeve did feel the same, if she was scared of telling me in case she ruined our friendship. What if we spent years not telling each other how we felt? How stupid would that be? Being in love with, being in a relationship with your very best friend; that’s all anybody wants, isn’t it?’

Charlie’s eyes glisten with tears and Nina gives his hands a squeeze of gratitude for the emotions he is feeling for her right now. His understanding.

‘Only I’ve messed it up. I’ve messed everything up. I didn’t mean to lose my temper with you. I’d been watching the YouTube clip that I thought was Dad over and over and was more convinced each time it was him. I wanted to show it to you, ask what you thought. You were in the shower so I waited in your room and,when I found that earring, I was so… pissed off with you having sex with a random in Mum and Dad’s bed. So confused.’

‘We do need to talk about that; it’s not exactly what you think, but not now. I am very sorry that I upset you though.’

‘Iwasupset partly because you’d promised me that you wouldn’t bring another woman into our lives – Duke’s life – until we’d all got used to each other but partly because… I was jealous, I suppose.’

‘Jealous?’

‘Yeah. You had someone and I… I felt so lonely and… scared. What if you disappeared back to London again and left us? Who would I have? I decided that I’d tell Maeve how I felt. I got all dressed up like she hasn’t seen me in my sweats without make-up before.’ Nina remembers her excitement, her trepidation as she slowly walked to Maeve’s house, rehearsing how she would tell her. Wondering if Maeve did feel the same or if it was all in her head. ‘When I got there I was so nervous I couldn’t face her straight away. I sat in the kitchen with her dad instead, trying to sound grown-up and intelligent, wanting him to see me as an adult. As more than just his daughter’s friend. As a potential partner for her. I still think he sees us as kids. God knows what he thinks of me now.’

Charlie tightens his jaw, the muscle clenching. Nina pauses, thinking he might speak but he doesn’t. She carries on,

‘Anyway, I went up to Maeve’s room and showed her the clip – she didn’t think it was Dad – and… and I got drunk, partly to block out the disappointment that Maeve didn’t think it was Dad and partly because of… everything.’ She can still feel the burn of the vodka as it hit the back of her throat, the burn of humiliation as she remembers what happened next. ‘It’s all a bit of a blur.I wanted chips so Maeve said she’d go and fetch some. I think I slept for a few minutes. I remember waking with drool down my chin – very attractive – and for a second not knowing where I was. I went downstairs to the kitchen, I was really disorientated and then I saw her.’

Nina closes her eyes. Maeve must have run to the chip shop and back because she was breathless, her cheeks pink, her red hair escaping her scrunchie and she had never looked more beautiful. It was what came next that was ugly. Nina cringes against the memory. She had lurched herself into Maeve’s arms, pressing her lips against hers.

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