Page 47 of From Now On

‘Iknowit’s for the best. I want them to live with me.’

‘Why?’

‘Mum would have—’

‘You, Charlie. What doyouwant? A loss of freedom, to be financially supporting Duke and Nina for years to come. It doesn’t end after school you know, parenting. There’s university. And that’s without everything in-between. The tantrums, the hostility. You really want all of that?’

‘Do you?’ he snaps and then begins again. ‘Yes. I’ve thought about what’s involved—’

‘When? When have you considered it? When you were running back to London? Accepting a job in New York? Are you still going? Will you be dragging the children halfway across the world? What if you don’t? What will you do?’

He is silent because she is right. He stares down at the black and white chequered floor tiles, a chessboard. It’s his move but he hasn’t thought this through properly. He hasn’t spoken to Sasha. To Simon, his boss. He doesn’t know if he can pass on New York and keep his job in the London office. How practical will it be to jump on the train to the city? Can he even do that within Nina and Duke’s school hours? He works from home sometimes, reading manuscripts, answering queries, but there’s a large portion of his job which is composed of face-to-face meetings.

He clears his throat. ‘I haven’t worked out the finer details.’

‘Which proves you’re not ready to be a parent. You can’t provide the stability they need. I’m best placed to bring them up. I’m in my fifties, Charlie, I’m never going to have children of my own. I’ll likely never live with a man, I’m too set in my ways, but you… you have your whole life ahead of you. The girlfriend Duke keeps talking about… Sasha, is it?’

Charlie nods.

‘You should be in New York with her. You only get one life, Charlie. Do you want to spend it here? In a legal battle – and don’t forget where I work, and then what? You’re stuck. Tied to the place you couldn’t wait to move away from.’

‘But—’

‘What if you turn out like him? Your dad?’

Charlie’s stomach tightens as her words land with a hard punch. ‘I don’t think…’

‘Think. There’s that word again, Charlie. I know you don’t want to be like him but sometimes it’s inevitable. There’s that genetic link. You went through such a lot, Charlie. Is that what you want for Duke and Nina?’

The floor seems to tilt beneath his chair. It’s his move again but it’s already checkmate.

His dad falls into the forefront of his mind. His dad who he had thought loved him once but then had failed him in the worst imaginable way. Part of the reason Charlie was so pleased children didn’t feature in his and Sasha’s five-year plan was because, if he’s honest, he is scared he’ll turn out the same. Scared he’ll crumble under the weight of everyone else’s needs. Memories strobe. His dad pushing him away when he brought him a book to read. His dad screaming at him to be left alone. His dad packing a suitcase, leaving. And then… what came after.

‘The children will be late for school and I need to go to work. Go home, Charlie.’

Charlie stumbles as he stands. He opens the kitchen door; Duke and Nina are on the other side.

How much have they overheard?

‘I’ve got to go back to London for…’ he falters.

‘Whatever,’ says Nina dragging Duke down the hallway. ‘We’re going to school.’

He wants to call them back to explain, but he really doesn’t know what to say.

Half an hour later, Charlie is on the platform waiting for a train. A boy wearing a ‘Seven Today’ badge pushes in front of him.

‘Sorry,’ his mother says. ‘It’s his birthday. We’re taking him to the Tower of London. He’s overexcited. You know what kids are like.’

Charlie nods, even though he doesn’t, not really. But he watches as the boy smiles as his mum and his dad both take one of his hands and he wonders if it’s the things he will see at the Tower of London that will stick in his mind or the being together. He thinks it is time, love, that children need the most, and, although Charlie didn’t receive either from his dad, he knows as he watches the boy’s mum lick the edge of a tissue before dabbing away something at the corner of the boy’s mouth that he had that in abundance from his own mother.

Time.

Love.

He is half of Mum.

He has her hair, her eyes, her musical talent, so perhaps she is his stronger half and this is a comfort. Whatever Violet says, Charlie is not like his dad.

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