Page 69 of From Now On

‘I didn’t fu… Nina, I’m sorry. I made a mistake, okay?’

‘No.’ She shakes her head furiously. ‘It. Is. Not. Okay. You came here, Charlie, and you fought for us. You told Aunt Violet… you told thepolicethat you were responsible. That…thatwas not responsible.’

‘I know.’ He runs a hand over his chin; there’s the scratch of his bristles. He’s a mess.

‘I don’t think you do know. Duke has lost his parents.’ She can’t think about her own feelings; she has to remain detached or emotions will clog her throat and she will be unable to speak. ‘His world has always been small and now it’s shattered. You came here, with Sasha, and he formed an attachment to her. The times she visited, video calling, he thought she was part of the family. Then she left, you left and then we moved to Aunt Violet’s and then you came back, alone, and now Sasha’s gone for good.’

‘Yes.’

‘And you tell Duke that he won’t see her again, you tell him that casually on the day of thememorial. Drop it in conversation without any explanation or thought to his feelings—’

‘I’m so—’

‘And then hours after telling him this you bring another woman home.A teacher from school. He needs consistency. Stability.’ She does too but she does not voice this.

‘I didn’t think,’ Charlie can’t look her in the eye.

‘Are you one of these people who can’t bear to be single? Are we going to have a parade of women here until you find one you want to keep?’

‘No.’ He clears his throat. ‘No. Absolutely not.’

‘Because if you can’t commit to us and—’

‘I can. I have. Nina, I’m so sorry. Honestly, I don’t usually go for one-night stands and, as for dating… before Sasha I was single for a long time. Look, I didn’t take into account your feelings tonight and I certainly didn’t consider that Duke might have been upset that me and Sasha have broken up but in retrospect I can see that he needs… we all need things to be constant for a while. No more women, I promise.’

‘Do you, though? How can you promise that?’

‘Because… you both have to come first. Our family has to come first. I’m not saying I’ll stay single forever but right now, while we all get used to each other, while we build on the foundations—’

‘Build on the foundations?Did you get that from a book?’

‘Umm, yes. Yes. I did.’

‘You don’t need a book, Charlie. You just need to think. And not with—’ she waves her hand towards his crotch, glad it’s dark and he won’t see her face flaming ‘—that part of you. Because if Aunt Violet is the more stable option for us, I’ll move us back there.’

‘She isn’t. I promise, Nina.’ He places his hand over his heart. ‘No relationships, at least for a while.’

‘Good. It’s not like I expect you to live like a monk forever but, Charlie, you brought someone you’d just met back to our home,to Mum and Dad’s bed.’ Nina feels her voice cracking. She can’t hold it together much more. ‘See you in the morning.’ She rushes from the room and towards the stairs with Charlie’s ‘I promise I won’t let you down’ trailing in her wake.

Nina can’t sleep. She doesn’t want to be here, in this house, with Charlie, reeking of alcohol, in Mum and Dad’s room. She thinks about texting Maeve to see if she’s awake, asking if she can come over, but what would Sean say if she arrived on the doorstep at midnight. He must care to have come to the memorial. Would he comfort her or would he turn her away? She couldn’t bear the sting of rejection; tonight she feels so lonely.

She turns onto her side. Through her thin grey curtains she can make out the moon, high and round. She remembers when she used to believe it was made of cheese. She used to believe in so many things but now she struggles to find something to hold on to. She tries to conjure the warm feelings she felt earlier but they are slippery and slide through her fingers as she tries to hold them close.

She needs to sleep.

Tiredness burns behind her eyes. Thank God tomorrow is a teacher training day. No school and no Miss Rudd.

Every time Nina closes her eyes she pictures her teacher and Charlie practically ripping each other’s clothes off.

Is that all adults want? Sex. She tries to unpick her feelings, which felt so pure earlier but are now tangled with confusion and shame. She finds a thread that she thinks is love but she’s afraid if she tugs on it everything she feels will unravel.

She’ll unravel.

She climbs out of bed and finds the piece of paper she’d scrawled over earlier,

Nina Kelly

Nina Kelly

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