Page 76 of The Front Runner
And Mira.
Fuck.
Not love.Like.
I toss a coat on and step into my work boots, shaking my head at myself as I head out the front to catch up with Griffin. It takes about an hour to get him all set. I show him the three youngsters that need a start, and I feel suddenly very overwhelmed by running the farm.
Needing the sunshine, I walk out to the paddock where Loki and Farrah now spend their days soaking up the rays and rolling in mud. His shrill whinny greets me as he trots across the pen with a real prance to his step, knees coming up higher than necessary just to show off. The older he’s gotten, the more hilarious he’s become. He’s going to be a handful, that much is clear. He’s smart, and playful… and mischievous. I frequently catch him trying to undo the chain around his gate. He bucks and leaps around his pen like he’s a world champion bucking horse.
Yeah. I don’t envy the poor sucker who has to get on him for the first time. This horse will probably be reading full sentences by then. Either way, I’m beyond relieved to see him turning a corner. He’s a healthy colt. No one would ever guess the shape he was in a couple months ago.
I’ve come to love him. There are a lot of horses on this farm, and at the track in the city that belong to me, so leave it to the one horse that money can’t buy to weasel his way into my heart. I haven’t loved a horse like this since I lived in Romania.
“Hey, bud.” I stroke the broad white blaze down his forehead, and he snorts his contentment. Wild as he might be, we’ve forged a special friendship. I told Billie once that DD was her heart horse, a horse she could understand like no one else can. A term I learned from the villagers in my hometown.
Looking into Loki’s wide black eyes now, watching his soft lips nip at the button on my jacket—trying to pull it off, I might add—I wonder if I’ve met a second heart horse.
The thought of him leaving in only a few months makes my chest ache and my nose tingle. He’s a pain in the ass little horse. But he’smypain in the ass little horse. The only reassurance I give myself is knowing at Gold Rush Ranch he will get the absolute best shot to live up to his potential. He’ll receive top-of-the-line care. And he might even get to dump Billie Black in the dirt a couple of times.
I chuckle, scratching at his ears. “She’s stubborn, but I think you might have her beat in that department.”
With that, I grab a pitchfork and start picking out his paddock, tossing manure and lose hay into a wheelbarrow. I have paperwork I should do, registrations, endless emails to answer, but I’d rather hide out here with Loki, trying to avoid his snappy lips as I clean out his field. Physical labor is therapeutic in a way I never imagined. I never really did any until I bought this place. It was part of how I chose to recreate myself.
I didn’t get my MBA so I could do farm chores, but I didn’t get it to run a horse racing empire either. I watch Mira, an absolute force to be reckoned with, going after everything she wants. Refusing to be deterred. And I’m just… adrift. Everything is so unresolved for me. I have so many questions about my background that are justblank. There’s no one to ask because there’s no one who knows.
I spent most of my life working my ass off to not become Constantin, to not give into that part of my genetic makeup. A wife or family felt like a curse I wouldn’t ever place on another person, least of all one I professed to love. Afterall, what if I became him?
And then I found out not a single part of me belongs to him and my world unexpectedly unlocked. I wasn’t beholden to that dark legacy anymore. It was freeing, but also confusing. Without that vendetta, I knew nothing about what I wanted out of life.
The older I get, the more I ache for a family, for a connection, in a way I never knew I would. I’m a well put-together facade. I’m a lost little boy, living his life based on a crusade. A promise I made to no one but myself.
And for what?
There are days where I have no clue what the hell I’m doing with my life—where I wonder if it matters. But most of all, there are days where it feels like I don’t know where I’m going, because I have no idea where I came from.
The only thing that’s certain about where I’m going is that Mira will be with me when I get there. I’ll make sure of it. I’m playing for keeps.
26
Mira
My fingers twisttogether as I wring my hands and stare at Stefan’s door. I haven’t seen him in over a day, and I’ve had too much time to think.
Too much time to overthink.
On top of that, I’m meeting Hank for dinner tonight to do some further research. Questions and confusion are riddling my brain.
How is this all happening so fast? How isheinterested inme? I mean, God. How amIinterested inhim? Am I about to ruin my life over a guy? Are we exclusive now? After years of having my nose stuck in a textbook and then throwing myself into a career, sex has always been just sex. I now know that I never experienced a true intimate connection when I fell into bed with a guy just because I felt like that was something I should be doing. Especially now that I realize what I’ve been missing.
And now Stefan Dalca has orgasmed me into confusion. Confusion about what we are, where we’re going, and what this all means. Because it feels like it means more than just sex.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I pull it out, grateful for the distraction. Until I see that it’s Stefan texting me.
Stefan:You planning on coming in? Or are you just going to stand out there and rub your hands raw?
I look around, trying to see if he’s watching me out a window or something. When I see nothing, I text back, figuring he has some sort of security camera app on his phone.
Mira:You’re creepy.
