Page 101 of A False Start
She nods in return. “I want you to be proud of yourself, too.”
A ragged sigh tumbles past my lips. I swallow, hoping it might pull the building tears back down where they came from. Back in the depths of my soul, where they’ve been hiding for years now.
“I want to see the man you can be when you get out from underneath all that shame, all the pain you’ve buried. You deserve a fresh start, Griffin. You deserve to be happy, and I can’t be the only thing that does that for you. I don’t want to be your antidote. I want to be your reason. The reason you put the work in.”
I nod, drowning in her eyes. Wishing I could live there. Spend all day, every day memorizing every little fleck, every color. But I know she’s right.
“This isn’t goodbye forever. This is goodbye for now. A clean break for now. I can’t do any in between. I don’t expect you to wait for me. Okay?”
Hasn’t she been listening to me? I’ll be waiting for her no matter how long it takes. One tear spills over my cheek, and I fight the urge to run and hide. If I can fall apart in front of anyone in the world, I know it’s her. “Okay.” My voice sounds rusty, like I haven’t used it in years. And I guess I haven’t. My throat aches as I swallow the words trying to claw their way out. The ones that want to beg her to stay. The ones that want to explain away all the excellent reasons for us to hit pause. The ones that want to tell her I can make everything better for her if she lets me.
But this thing deserves more. It deserves two confident, capable adults. And she needs this time as badly as I do. I’d never forgive myself if I were the reason she didn’t check every fucking thing off that list.
I’d give this woman anything she wants. A limb? An organ?
A clean break.
But not waiting for her? That’s not even a consideration. That’s not even possible.
Her dainty hands cup my face, thumbs stroking the stubble on my cheeks. “You’ve got your own mountain that needs climbing. Yeah?”
“Yeah.” My stomach lurches, and I swear if I looked down, my heart would be beating on the ground somewhere. Ripped out and torn apart. Because she’s right, I’ve got a lot of fixing to do.
She presses a tender kiss to my lips, so many emotions flooding out between us. Spilling out of me, drowning my system. Her forehead tilts against mine, tips of our noses brushing together. “Meet you at the top, Sinclaire?”
My fingers pulse around her ribs, and I know that this is the moment where I let her go.
It makes me nauseous. But I choke out the words she needs to hear anyway.
“Meet you at the top, Wildflower.”
36
Nadia
When I get backto my apartment, I reach for my journal, needing to write in it like a plant needs light and water. My fingers itch as I huddle under my blankets, ready to crumble under the weight of them, ready to fall apart in the privacy of my own space.
Floral journal in one hand, blue ball-point pen in the other, I prepare myself to bleed on the page for the man I just walked away from. I flip it open and look at the first page—the list—like I do every time. It usually brings me peace. A sense of purpose. A way to manifest the things on my list into reality.
But this time, it brings a crushing ache to my chest and hot, stinging tears to my puffy eyes. Because Griffin has crossed off and initialed the one thing he swore he never could.Make love.
And what hurts the most is he’s not even wrong.
37
Griffin
The past twoweeks have passed as a strange out-of-body experience. I work with the young horses who have come so far. I’m certain they don’t even need me. At this point, I’m just fulfilling my contract and exposing them to as much as possible. Tractors, traffic, trails, rain, dark...you name it, these youngsters have seen it. When they get to the track this winter to start their training, they’re going to be beyond prepared. Even the scaredy one that dumped me in the field.
I pat that exact horse on the neck as I lead him into his paddock, let him loose, and lock the gate behind me. When I turn, my eyes snag on the building that houses the clinic, just on the other side of the property. The one where Nadia spends her days. Until now.
I’ve seen Nadia since our chat on the steps that night, but mostly in passing as she goes to or from the clinic. I took Tripod in for a check-up with Mira and hoped Nadia would be there. But she wasn’t, and I know Mira caught me peeking around behind her like I might catch even a small glimpse.
I’m not above admitting I’m heartbroken. Or that Tripod snuggles me every night in a little spoon position, and I’m endlessly grateful for his three-legged company.
Doing the right thing feels like absolute shit. I’m supposed to be the mature one, but today is the day Nadia is leaving, and I’m in a terrible fucking mood over it. She was supposed to live here and commute to school in Emerald Lake. But suddenly, she’s found a condo to rent and is moving. I want to go say goodbye to her, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to watch her leave. I don’t even know if she’d want me there.
Seeing her depart across the darkened field with so many pieces of me was cruel enough. Seeing herreallyleave might do me in entirely.
